One Dark Lord, Five Jedi
by Wakkomonkey9258
Summary: Trust me, it's not as pornographic as it sounds.
1. Chapter 1

One Dark Lord, Five Jedi

Bastila Shan, Apprentice and Jedi Prodigy, stepped out of her boarding craft and took her very first step onto Revan's Flagship. Her four other comrades including her Master stepped out after her. Activating her lightsaber as the first Sith Troopers rounded the corner, Bastila prepared for the biggest fight of her life.

Meanwhile, several floors above them on the chaotic and frenzied Bridge of the Dark Lord's Flagship, Darth Revan stood stoically facing the massive viewport, coldly watching as the Republic fleet battled with his own. Malak's ship was locked in combat with two cruisers at once, but of course that fight wouldn't last long.

One of his Bridge crewmen called him over, "My Lord, Jedi have boarded the ship!"

Jedi had boarded the ship? What the hell was his Force sense doing, taking a backseat drive? It would have killed it to have warned him beforehand. Still, he might as well get excited.

He swept over immediately, "This is a great moment, Ensign," The Dark Lord looked down at the many camera views on the console view screen, "How many have they got coming? Ten, no a hundred, no atleast five hundred right? With Commando squadrons and the Jedi council backing them up correct?

The Ensign blinked, "Um, My Lord, we have only tallied five Jedi and a single trooper on the ship."

Darth Revan paused mid breath and gave the Ensign a look of torment, one that was meant to rip the truth from the Ensign's heart, not that he would see it since Revan had a mask on. Because surely the Ensign must be mistaken, after all, five Jedi versus a Dark Lord such as him was an insult right?

Silently fuming, Revan glared at the console, now seeing the group of Jedi battling down a hallway toward the elevator leading to the bridge, "Are there any more on the ship, anywhere?"

"No My Lord, they are the entire strike force."

Revan threw his hands up into the air, "This is bullshit! I'm the most powerful Dark Lord of the century and all the Jedi Council can send me is five nobody Jedi! They couldn't even send a council member?" He looked back at the screen and let out a breath in disbelief, "Is that Bastila Shan?"

The Ensign, who now looked half comatose, nodded numbly, "Yes Lord."

"They sent an Apprentice to fight me! An Apprentice! Most powerful Sith Lord of the Century standing right here, about to conquer the Galaxy and whatever, and all they send to try and stop me is an Apprentice and some nobody Jedi?"

"My Lord, with all due respect, theirs three Jedi Masters in the group along with Bastila Shan," The Ensign replied meekly.

"Since when were they a threat, is this some kind of April fool's Day joke?" Revan reached up to the com on his mask and snapped, "Malak, tell me what day it is!"

Malak's bewildered robotic voice answered back, "What? Master, I'm a little busy here . . ."

"Just shut the hell up and tell me what day it is!"

"What? It's December twentieth Master, can I go now?"

"Bah, you youth are all the same," Revan snapped before getting off the comlink, "Ensign, where are the Jedi, I have to have a discussion with them about this."

"They're on the elevator coming to the bridge, My Lord."

"Good, atleast now I don't have to wait for them."

It took several seething, angry minutes until Revan's force senses seemed to kick back in and he could sense the Jedi coming closer. All. Five. Of. Them.

The bridge door opened, and the Jedi fanned inside, immediately coming into contact with the Dark Jedi guards. Revan's Chief bodyguard turned to him and sadistically asked, "Permission to engage My Lord?"

Revan rolled his eyes, "Permission granted dumbshit."

Needless to say his Bodyguards were dead rather quick. The one soldier charged forward and was promptly choked to death with little effort. Bastila and the four other Jedi took places in front of him with their lightsabers drawn.

Bastila Shan pointed at him and began to shout, "You cannot win Re . . ."

Revan waved his hand flippantly and quickly interrupted her, "Shut your mouth little girl, adults are talking," As Bastila's mouth dropped open in shock, Revan pointed at the women behind her, "You're a Jedi Master right, I need to talk to you."

The Master stepped up, "And just what are we supposed to talk about, your surrender?"

"Okay, first of all shut up. Second of all, I have a question. Why does the Jedi Council insist on screwing me so hard?"

The Jedi Master rolled her eyes, "Because you're the Dark Lord?"

"Five Jedi!" Revan practically exploded, "I am the Dark Lord of the sith, greatest Force User EVER. Am I just not good enough for you anymore? Did the Jedi and the Republic move on without me? Why wasn't I passed the memo!"

One of the Jedi behind the Master leaned over to his comrade and whispered, "Should we be attacking?"

The other Jedi shook her head, "No, just let him vent."

"I heard that!" Revan shouted, pointing at the two of them, "Don't accuse me of venting, I've been slated!"

"Revan, we really don't have time for this, just surrender and let's go."

Revan growled, and was even more enraged when the entire ship buckled and groaned underneath the force of a sudden attack. Already knowing what had happened, the Dark Lord scowled under his mask and put his hand up to his mask and barked, "Malak! Stop firing on my ship, we're having a moment!"

Bastila had finally gotten over her shock and stepped up again, "Revan, surrender now!"

Revan put up his finger, "Sorry Malak, say that again, I have a child screaming in my ear," He paused while Bastila seethed, "What do you mean you're betraying me because I forgot your birthday cheesecake? You can't even eat cheesecake!"

The Jedi Master rubbed the bridge of her nose and tapped Bastila, "You might want to get ready."

As soon as Bastila was ready, a massive explosion rocked the bridge. The Jedi remained mostly unharmed while Revan painfully flew forward and slammed into a console which then exploded. The Dark Lord slumped to the ground, effectively unconscious.

His last thoughts were: _Fuck the Youth. _


	2. Endar Spire

**Endar Spire**

Kar threw back his head and moaned, "By God Sonya, you're amazing."

The incredibly attractive Jedi pulled back and licked her lips with a feral smirk, "I'll make sure you remember me after this."

Kar rolled his eyes, "That's incredibly corny, just hurry up and finish."

The Jedi dove forward for another go, and Kar got ready for some of the greatest pleasure in his life . . .

And then an explosion knocked the actual Kar out of his bunk and right onto his . . . problem. The soldier groaned at the incredibly uncomfortable position and stumbled up, rubbing his crotch in annoyance. Of course, it was just then that the door flew open and someone else ran in.

By the color of his uniform it was clear that he was of the republic which was good, but then Kar realized he was standing in the middle of his room with a huge bulge in his underwear. The white haired soldier stopped and started shouting, "Quick, the sith are attacking and we need to . . ." He paused as he saw the bulge, which caused Kar's face to transform into a red fireball, "Um, what were you . . ."

"Stop looking at me in my underwear ass," Kar snapped testily, "And I get that we're under attack, as if the explosions and Starfighters weren't clear."

"Look, we need to hurry. The sith were following me when I ran in here, so get dressed and get your weapons!"

Kar threw his hands up and stormed over to his footlocker, meanwhile shouting, "What is this, Boss around the Amnesiac sith Lord Day?" The soldier suddenly paused and blinked, _where had that come from? _

Trask arched a brow, "What was that?"

"Er, nothing," Meanwhile under his breath while he got dressed, Kar let out a breath of relief, "Atleast we saved half the story line."

As soon as he had the last piece of gear on and Kar was ready, Trask immediately rushed into some sort of crack pot explanation, "Okay look, we have to use my codes to open the door so . . ."

"Fuck off," Kar snapped and fired a blaster bolt into the door lock, "What are you, God of Needless Exposition?"

His white haired comrade quickly followed after him as Kar stalked down the corridor, "Are you always like this?"

"I don't need your opinion on my psychology assclown!"

Before Kar could fall into a complete rant, another voice spoke through their comlink, a voice that seemed vaguely familiar to the soldier, "This is Carth Onasi, all hands to the bridge! The sith have boarded the ship and we can't stand against their firepower . . ."

Already irritated by the undertone of whininess in Carth's voice, Kar barked back into his com, "Do you make it a point to state the obvious? It's no wonder Saul betrayed you."

There was a burst of silence on Carth's end until he spoke again, this time his voice resembling that of a conspiracy theorist, "How do you know that?"

"I don't answer questions!" The next door opened after some prying, revealing a duo of sith troopers running down the hall.

Trask spontaneously decided to turn hero and rushed out into the middle of the hall with his blaster out and screamed at the top of his lungs, "For the Republic!"

"What is this, a Leroy Jenkins remake Movie?" Kar angrily pushed Trask away and shot both sith in the heads. He looked over to where he had shoved Trask in order to gloat over his skills when he realized he had shoved Trask right onto a durasteel pipe sticking out of the wall. The white haired soldier's heart was still beating on the end of the pipe.

At first Kar was happy, but then he asked himself who was supposed to fight off Bandon and smacked himself with his blaster, "Son of a dick!"

Carth's voice broke in on the com, "Soldier, we need you on the bridge now!"

"Nobody asked for your opinion on the situation Carth!"

Kar opened up the next door and fought off a few sith and decided to rummage through the container before he moved on. He found a combat suit inside and decided to quickly change into the better armor.

But of course Carth decided to get onto the nag train once again, "Kar, I'm watching you on the cameras and . . ."

Mid-dress, Kar stiffened and shouted back, "Carth, stop peeping on my exploits!"

"Wait a minute, do you have a . . .?"

"I had a dream," Kar growled angrily as he suited back up and stormed out into the hallway. Of course it had to be filled with Republic and sith troopers battling it out against each other. Explosions ripped through the halls and corridors, completely destroying every organic thing in the vicinity. This of course resulted in Kar being thrown into a wall.

The soldier stumbled up and smacked himself awake, "Could someone please explain to me what just happened?"

"Well you see," Carth began, "As the sith firepower bombards the ships, it causes several large explosions across the ship."

"I didn't ask for a literal translation!"

"Just get to the bridge before a conduit in the corridor blows up."

"This is bullshit to a new extreme," Kar growled, shuffling along while the ship continued to rock under sith fighter attacks, "I was having a great dream before this, and then an incredibly unattractive man comes in and looks at me with gay preferences."

He opened up a door and saw a beautiful Jedi battling a bald and ugly looking sith. For a few moments, Kar wondered whether he should intervene. He finally decided to take a chance, pulled out his blaster, and fired.

The shot then proceeded to shoot the Jedi girl in the face.

The dark Jedi looked over in surprise while Kar's jaw dropped, "Crap!"

The ugly dark side user sneered and pointed his lightsaber at Kar, "Typical republic incompetence!"

This resulted in the soldier's face transforming into a scowl of rage, "Hey, I'd like to see you take an accurate shot when you've got some ugly Dark Jedi waving and twerking his body around like a stripper."

"Do not mock me republic!" The dark Jedi shouted, before being quickly engulfed in a white explosion.

"Karma bitch," Kar stalked over and glanced down at the dead Jedi. He noticed a small bulge in the breast pocket of her robes. He stooped down and made an attempt to not look like a complete pervert as he reached in and pulled out the object. He brought it up to his eye and noticed a label:

"_Vibrator cell: Activate vibration and insert into genitalia in order to experience pleasure. If size is inadequate, please return and choose from our smaller or larger ones. Used ones cannot be returned if not properly cleaned." _

Kar had just killed a Jedi who used a vibrator, and was super attractive. The soldier's face turned red.

"Son of a dick!"

Clearing the bridge was a pain in the ass if Kar had ever heard of one, but by the time he finished he realized Carth was nowhere to be found. Incensed beyond reason, the soldier went to his comlink and yelled, "Carth, where in all hells are you?"

"Oh sorry, I had to retreat from the bridge because I got a call from Jonah."

"And you failed to mention this? And who the hell is Jonah?"

"Just guys I owe money to," Carth said quickly, "Anyway, just make your way to the escape pods."

"Can I get a map asshole?"

"Didn't Trask tell you about the digital map in your pocket?"

Kar flashed back to when Trask had started spouting off some exposition before he was interrupted, "Uhhhhhhh . . ."

Carth sighed, "Just use your datapad and find the map, which should show you the way."

Kar disconnected the comlink and strode out of the bridge. As soon as he passed into the next room, the door across from him opened up, revealing a sith lord who seemed to look exactly like the one that had just died only a few minutes before. This was, of course, Darth Bandon. And by Kar's shit luck, Trask was already dead and no one was left to take the dark Jedi on.

Bandon smirked evilly, looking the picturesque of a wannabe villain, and activated his lightsaber, "Prepare to die Republic scum."

Kar rolled his eyes at the cheesiness of the line, but then realized he was probably going to die within a few seconds. Stoically raising his hand in defiance, Kar stated one thing, "Rock, Paper, Scissors for my life."

The Dark Jedi looked disbelieving for a second before he dropped his battle stance and walked forward, offering his fist. The soldier brought out his fist, and pounded it three times in his palm, sweating with every vibration in his hand. Finally, he drew scissors.

Bandon drew rock.

They stood there for a second while Kar digested the fact that he had just lost. Finally, he declared, "Fuck you," And shot his blaster right into Bandon's genitalia. The Dark Jedi collapsed with a scream and Kar promptly walked through the other door, with nary a thought to the screaming dark Jedi.

Of course Carth had to continue his streak of complaints and come buzzing back over the comlink, "A sith squad's outside the escape pods, could you please hurry up?"

Kar shot a trooper and continued down the hallway toward the escape pods, "Do I look like a bag of ideas, shoot the motherfuckers."

"Could you PLEASE hurry up?"

Kar groaned, "I'm not gonna have to go on an extended quest with you am I?"

"Does that include my entire bitchy life story?"

Kar deadpanned, "Does it have to?"

"Yes."

"Fuck!"

Kar opened the door and shot the troopers inside. He immediately made his way toward the droid shuffled into the corner. Inspecting the convenient stickers pasted hastily onto its chest, Kar smirked as he found his solution.

**CHUCK NORRIS DROID Bx1 **

Curious, Kar pressed a button on its chassis and had to jump back as the droid came to life in a flash. It immediately turned about face and smashed a hole through the wall, and then proceeded to murder everything in the next room. Kar ducked in fast enough to see the droid grow jets out of its feet and fly upward. It then slammed into the ceiling and exploded, violently.

Ignoring such an oddity, Kar moved forward and opened up the door. Carth was there waiting inside, looking as corny and suspicious as per usual.

"Good," Carth groused, "You FINALLY made it."

"Yeah, it only took 1,790 words to get to this point."

"Actually," Carth corrected, "1,800 words."

"Just shut the fuck up and get in the escape pod."


	3. Upper City Taris

**Upper City Taris**

_Why am I always dreaming of hot chicks . . . _

A beautiful Jedi with a yellow lightsaber, tan robes and a VERY curvaceous body battered away at a dark Jedi before he gave way and crumpled to the ground under her fierce barrage.

_Is it wrong that I'm terribly turned on right now? _

She took a battle stance with her lightsaber as a trooper was choked to death with the force. A figure obscured in dark robes retracted his hand and pulled his lightsaber from his belt. The sith twirled his red weapon and pointed it at the girl.

_Please tell me the girl is going to take her clothes off. _

Then Kar woke up, which immediately made his subconscious happiness fade. He stumbled up from the bed and found that his clothes had been oddly stripped off of him. Hadn't his clothes been on the last time he was conscious in the escape pod?

"Glad to see you're awake," Kar recognized Carth's voice which still seemed to have an annoying tone with it.

The soldier turned and had to keep from choking on his own saliva as he realized that Carth had just left the shower and was now only covered in a small white towel.

"Put some damn clothes on Carth," He snapped, all the while trying to gouge his eyes out with as little pain as possible, "Just because you have a small object doesn't mean you have to overcompensate by showing off everything else!"

Carth grunted, looking on the verge of tears despite his attempt to look manly in a small towel, "Are you always this cruel? Well, atleast you're not thrashing in your sleep," He glanced down at Kar and arched a brow, "Um, why do you have a . . .?"

Kar quickly got the sheet from his bed and covered himself, glaring at him, "Stop staring at my body you little creep, and just why am I in my underwear?"

"Well you see," Carth drawled, walking back into the fresher, "When we landed you were heavily wounded, so when I dragged you here I had to take your clothes off to look at your injuries."

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"Don't worry I left your underwear on, well, the top part anyway."

Kar's eye twitched in indescribable rage. Slowly he walked over to a nearby footlocker, after putting on his clothes, and then grabbed his blaster and vibroblade. Slowly, the soldier stalked over with his blaster in his hand back over to the fresher, prepared to satiate his bloodlust. This bloodlust was immediately extinguished when Carth walked back out without the towel, letting it all hang out.

"Carth put some damn clothes on!"

"I'm going, I'm going," Carth said easily, walking past Kar who looked ready to go positively comatose, "Don't worry; my clothes are right over there."

"Carth," Kar growled, "Could I please be allowed to murder you?"

"You'll miss my entire side quest," Carth stated matter-of-factly.

"Do I atleast get something worth it at the end?"

Carth looked over and smiled, "My eternal friendship."

"Does this mean I can murder you now?"

"No."

Kar threw his hands up, "This is bullshit!"

**90 Minutes of Pointless Exposition Later . . . **

"For Force's sake Carth all I asked is what we're supposed to do now, not the entire background of the Universe and your backstory. When I want to know about your whiny son and your stupid wife I'll ask you when the game prompts me and makes me feel guilty about it!"

Carth promptly burst out crying, "Why do you have to be so mean!?"

"What are you, a five year old crying over dropping your ice cream on the concrete, and by the Force would you stop crying!"

Carth sniffled and looked up at Kar, "Can I get some banana ice cream from the cantina Kar?"

Kar moaned, "Fine, will it shut you up?"

"Can I get a large scoop with chocolate beans?"

"You can get a small scoop with a cherry, Carth."

"But Dad, why do you never get me what I want?"

"And for Force's sake stop calling me Daddy!"

Walking out of the apartment with Carth made Kar realize how smelly it was on Taris. Frowning, he realized the smell was coming from sith officer that was currently holding up two Duros with his two battle droids. The officer shouted something stupid and shot one of the Duro. Realizing that he probably wasn't going to get away with just ignoring the event, Kar stepped forward, and the officer finally took notice of the two of them.

He turned and his eyes bugged out of his head, "What's this? Human hiding out with aliens, they must be Republic fugitives, attack!"

"Hold on just a fucking minute!" Kar shouted in his defense, "How does us being humans and living here make us Republic fugitives? What, you think that just because you have the accent of the year that suddenly you know everything? Where'd you pull that logic from, your ass?"

The Officer pumped up his pathetically weak chest, "And just who are you to talk to me like that?"

Kar also made a show of puffing his chest, "I am . . . the man."

Obviously what happened next was the officer and the two droids exploded on the spot.

What ACTUALLY happened was Carth used the distraction to shoot all three of them in the face. Unfortunately, he also shot the last surviving Duro is face three times.

Carth lowered his two blasters with a solemn look, "Oops."

"Carth," Kar raged, "We haven't been out of the Apartment for two seconds and you've already murdered an innocent."

"Sorry," The orange jacket soldier apologized, "But sometimes I tend to have a serial killer moment."

"Only three seconds later and I already regret not murdering you."

Deciding to randomly open a door, Kar unlocked the poorly secured door and stepped inside, and was immediately met by a crazy bitch with a vibroblade.

"Goddamn youth!" This was quickly followed by a large blaster shot. Kar stormed out, and was immediately stopped by a green Twi'Lek who decided to go on and on about some retarded energy shield or something.

"These things look like shit," Kar stated matter-of-factly, holding up one of the energy bands to his eyes, "Did you happen to pick these out of the trash and glue it together with bubble gum, and all for a hundred credits? This is a rip off and bullshit!"

The Twi'Lek smoothly responded, "I assure you that these are of the highest quality."

Carth looked at the shield in Kar's hand, "Is that a condom wrapper tying the thing together?"

"Er, I'll take that back," The Twi'Lek said hurriedly, stuffing it into his back pocket, "Look; I don't have time to deal with you all day, so just move along."

Kar flipped him off and stalked off. The Upper city was quite possibly the worst thing Kar had ever seen in his life, considering that it practically reeked of snootiness and bitches.

It took about a thousand hours of walking around to finally figure out what the hell was going on. And even longer to find out where the Cantina was. It only took Carth complaining every five seconds about his ice cream to make Kar almost want to jump off the ledge of the Upper City and see what happened. Finally finding the cantina and ordering Carth's precious ice cream, Kar decided to just go stumbling around to find something to do.

Leaving the Cantina and searching around, he ran right into the entrance to the Lower city. Of course the dick soldier had to stop him.

"You are not allowed to get into the Lower City unless you are a Sith Patrol, and judging by the incredibly ugly and piss smelling clothes you have on, you are clearly not a Sith."

"Well fuck you to!" Kar growled, reaching for his pistol. Before his hand could even touch the holster, two giant arms captured his arms. They were seven feet tall, each weighing five hundred pounds and wearing fancy suits.

The trooper looked giddy enough to piss his pants, "Make sure you beat the shit out of him boys."

Kar groaned, "Son of a Dick!"

About eighty minutes later, Kar stumbled back into the cantina, with several bones sticking out of him and cuts and bruises making him look like a swollen mass of skin and red shit. Carth, who had the image of a lost puppy, ran up to him and asked what happened.

"I got gangbanged," Kar mumbled, "Can't really remember anything though."

"Do you need a Band-Aid?"

"Carth just shut the fuck up before I kill you. We need to find a way to get some sith uniforms to get into the Lower City."

"Well," Carth began, "While you were gone, I starting talking to that girl over there."

He pointed out a solitary girl sipping at a drink in the corner. Kar raised an eyebrow, "Did you finally lose your virginity?"

"I have a son."

"There are . . . other ways that could have come about."

Carth ignored him, "Anyway, I started talking to the girl and she said she was a sith soldier who was having a party with some other sith, and they were bringing their uniforms with them."

Kar blanched, "How in the hell did you get her to talk?!"

Carth smiled widely, "She enjoyed my sensitive and paranoid nature."

"By the Force you found a Carth fan girl."

"She's not my fan girl," Carth defended, "She genuinely likes me."

Kar glared at him skeptically, "Did she know your entire side quest by heart and have a T-shirt dedicated to Telos?"

" . . . Yes."

"Carth I swear to the Force if this is a Carth fan party, I'm killing everybody there including _you_."

Deciding to spend the time until the party looking around the cantina, Kar walked into the room labeled as the dueling room. There, people milled about watching something on the view screens on the wall. Of course the one thing that took Kar's attention was the girl in the combat suit and _realllly _tight pants. He sidled up to her, carrying with him his terribly wounded mass with him.

"What's your name?" Kar asked, trying to be as charming as possible, which wasn't much.

She glanced at him dismissively, "Ice, and would you keep your face away from my breasts?"

"Sorry I got distracted," He said sheepishly, "Anyway, I'm going to a party, want to come with me?"

She seemed to think about it for a long while before she answered, "Is there unprotected sex involved?"

"If at all possible then yes," Kar said quickly.

"I'm in."

It was about three hours later and Kar was pissed off as usual. Carth had decided to leave while he was taking a nap, all the while leaving a note with a poorly drawn map on it that failed to say where the hell the damn party was. It took about another hour before he finally figured out he had the map upside down and got back onto the right track, but by then he wasn't even sure where the hell he was.

After thirty minutes of retracing his steps, then re-retracing his steps, he finally found the apartment complex that was supposed to have held the party. Walking in, he eventually found the correct room number and opened the door. What he found inside made him almost bite his tongue off to keep from screaming.

Everyone in the room was dead, shot in some way or another. The walls were covered in blaster pock marks, and it smelled of rotting death. Carth was back in the corner, knees drawn up to his chest and eyes wide as saucers. Kar's eye twitched in rage as he saw Ice's dead body slumped in the corner.

"CARTH WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

Carth looked up and sniffed, "I had another serial killer moment."

Kar looked around wildly, and then saw Ice dressed in the skimpiest dress he had ever seen. He ran over and checked her for a pulse, but found none, "Carth! I was about to have unprotected sex with this woman, UNPROTECTED SEX DAMNIT!"

"I got us the uniforms though," Carth said in appeasement, pointing to a big footlocker in the corner.

"Unprotected sex Carth, Do you know how hard it is to get away with that?"

"Didn't your parents tell you to be responsible when you were a kid?"

"Just get the uniforms before I murder you in your sleep and then shit on your grave Carth."

**Several Hours Later**

"Another sith patrol heading down to the Lower City," The trooper said, and then cocked his head, "Are you wearing a female's uniform?"

"Are you trying to check me out or something?" Kar demanded, "Open the elevator, and I swear to the Force if I feel one eye on my ass, I'll kill you!"

Kar stalked into the elevator while Carth patted the soldier on the shoulder, "Don't worry, he's just mad he couldn't get his sex change until next week."

"Carth, get in this damn elevator so I can beat your ass!"


	4. Lower City

**Taris – Lower City**

As Kar stood in the elevator to the Lower City, having long since removed his uniform and thrown it to the floor, he noticed that the stench of piss was starting to become stronger the longer he stayed in the elevator and the lower he descended into the Lower city. Wrinkling his nose, he backed up into the corner and growled, "What the hell is that smell?"

Carth stiffened and looked positively ghostly, "What smell?"

Narrowing his eyes, he looked down and saw that Carth's legs in the uniform had become noticeably closer together, "You pissed your pants in the uniform?"

Carth hung his head in shame, "Theirs a spider in the corner."

Kar sighed and buried his head, and more importantly his nose, in his hands, "Republic war hero my ass," He said to himself.

Eventually, after withering the smell of pee and shame for about five more minutes, Kar practically sprinted out of the elevator and into an intersection. Carth followed slowly, after removing the uniform and carrying it with him. They both turned their heads as they heard a harsh exchange of words to their left.

There were two groups of three men, who seemed ready to fight it out judging from the weapons in their hands. Kar, being an alien translator extraordinaire, understood the alien languages like second nature.

"The Beks are better," A Rodian drawled.

"No," Another Alien snarled, "The Vulkars are far superior."

"We are way cooler," The Rodian opposed.

"Incorrect young sir," The Vulkar retorted, "Objectively speaking via the Principal of Meandering you would come to the conclusion that . . ."

Kar leaned over to Carth, "Why is that gang member speaking in a posh, kingly manner?"

Carth shrugged, "Maybe's he's well read."

"Excuse me, sir," The Vulkar suddenly rounded on them, "Me and my compatriots are having an educational repertoire with these gentlemen."

"Hey, fuck off and shove your compatriots up your ass," Kar shouted back.

"Hey," The Bek rodian shouted, "Don't turn your backs on us. Get em boys!"

"Engage in fisticuffs with this rabble," The Vulkar shouted.

It was a short scuffle. The Vulkars suddenly pulled out rapiers while the Beks came at them with vibroblades. It probably would have been quite a duel if Carth didn't have a serial killer moment at that exact second and killed every person there with shots to the head.

Kar put pack his blaster and huffed, "Why can't you always be this badass?"

"Because," Carth said, "I need to be thinking of my past before I can have one of those moments."

"And just what parts of your past are you thinking about?"

"Well . . . It all happened ten years ago."

Kar sighed and leaned against the wall, "I swear Carth, and you better give me the short version. We have a hot chick to bone . . . I mean rescue."

**3 Hours Later . . . **

"And that's why I have a premature arthritis in my ankle. Oh, and my wife died."

Kar pinched the bridge of his nose and promptly shot Carth in the foot, "It'll be a miracle if Bastila is still alive."

"Ow," Carth cried out, "I'm just trying to share my feelings with another human being."

"I told you to give me the short version!"

"But that was the short version!"

"Three hours Carth, that's bullshit," Kar stalked off to another door across the intersection, with a sign that read Apartments, "Just come on and let's look around."

"Why do you have to be such a cold soul, Kar? Do you have a secret problem with the world?"

"I didn't ask for your opinion on my psychology. Try it again, and I'll kick the shit outta you. And then shove it back down your throat."

**The Apartments **

The first door they opened they found a box that was locked beyond anything either of them could open. Instead, what came up was a holographic display that showed a questionnaire of sorts. Kar of course had no idea how he was supposed to answer, so he decided to fuck around and guess.

_Who did you lose your virginity to? _

Kar scanned the answers and snickered at the choices, and decided to have a little fun. He pressed the answer with a smirk.

_Your Mother . . . Correct! _

Kar glanced at Carth who had a vaguely disgusted look on his face, "I think we may have a possible mass murderer on our hands."

"Well, might as well keep on answering."

_What did you do when you got your first blaster? _

Now slightly more afraid, Kar hesitantly decided to stay consistent and entered in his answer.

_Kill your entire family, after you lost your virginity to your mother . . . Correct! _

"Carth . . . I'm kinda scared now."

Carth pulled at his collar, "I think I'm about to pee again."

Kar groaned quietly, "Just lock it in the closet."

Carth waddled away into the closet and Kar moved on to the next question.

_What do you do when stressed? _

Kar put in his answer and sighed in relief.

_Hire a prostitute . . . Correct! _

"Finally," He muttered, "A normal answer," suddenly the screen flickered and a second part of the answer appeared.

_. . . And then mercilessly shoot her. _

"Crap!"

Immediately he heard a disgusting sound from Carth's closet and Kar made a face at the sudden smell, "Carth, I thought you just had to pee!"

"It took me by surprise, don't judge me!"

"How have I not killed you yet?" Kar unlocked the footlocker and found a piece of fancy looking armor and around several dozen credit chips, "Atleast it was worth it."

Carth walked out of the closet and checked out the armor, "Can I have it?"

"Screw off," Kar snapped and walked off to the closet to change, "Give me a second."

Carth raised his hand, "Um, that's where I . . ." Then Carth remembered all the cruel things Kar had done to him and stopped talking.

Kar walked in and closed the door. It only took about three seconds before the scream of a girl screeched through the entire Apartment complex.

The Cantina was an oddly dark area full of smoke and drunken slurs. Kar, having managed to scrape off most of the stuff from his shoes, stalked inside followed by an apologetic looking Carth. Ignoring most of the Pazaak player, he walked into the main lounge, and ran into something of a standoff.

An incredibly short man that was wearing flyer's goggles and a Chuck Norris T-shirt was glaring at a set of three aliens wearing Vulkar gang colors. The three Vulkars were obviously doing their best to block his path.

The one Twi'Lek stepped forward with a confused look on his face, "Are you the Penguin?"

The shorter man blew out an annoyed breath, "My name is Calo Nord, and just because I'm the only short person in this Galaxy does not mean I'm Penguin."

"Nord," Carth wondered out loud, "Like the Skyrim kind of Nord?"

Kar smacked him over the back of his head, "What the hell is a Skyrim?"

"Just screw all of you," Nord growled, and then proceeded to shoot all three of the Vulkars and stalk past Kar and Carth.

Kar snickered and nudged Carth, "Someone's got a SHORT temper."

Carth burst out laughing, "He seems to be SHORT on time."

Kar laughed as he walked into the main lounge and looked around. Abruptly he ran into a walking carpet, which he then promptly realized was a Wookiee.

The Wookiee roared, "Watch where you're going!"

Kar did his best not to cry at the creature's breath and then groaned, "Oh Lord, it's a Wookiee on Taris. Carth, what are the chances of him becoming a Party member?"

Carth pulled out a calculator, "One hundred and ten percent."

"Damnit," Kar cursed, "I hate Wookiees, and they're always carrying some kind of fleas or something."

"I'm pretty sure those are called STDs, Kar."

"Hey," A blue Twi'Lek walked over suddenly, "Zaalbar doesn't like remembering his sexual past, don't judge him!"

"In the name of the Lord," Kar shouted, "A young girl and Wookiee team, Carth?"

"Those chances just jumped to three hundred percent."

Zaalbar turned to his companion, "Mission, what are they talking about?"

"Both of you just don't talk to us," Kar growled, "Trust me, within ten minutes we'll have a long time to talk."

Mission blinked, "Um, okay?"

The soldier stormed past them, muttering, "Come on Bioware, you're making it far too obvious."

000

The Hidden Bek base was strangely right across from Cantina, guarded by a beautiful woman. Kar was about to just rant and rave until he got in; until he realized how good looking she was and was too busy drooling out of his mouth to speak.

"Hold on," She said angrily, "You can't just walk into the Bek base!"

Kar was too busy staring at her breasts to respond, so Carth stepped in, "Ignore him, he's easily confused. So can we get in?"

"No," She shouted in his face, "Besides, what do you have to offer?"

Carth thought about it for a moment, "The best French kiss of your life."

"You ain't getting your tongue in my mouth!"

"I wasn't talking about your mouth . . ."

"Deal!"

Carth dragged Kar through the door, while Kar almost completely twisted his head around to keep on looking at the women at the door. The orange jacket wearing Soldier smack Kar across the face to snap him out of it.

"What'd I miss," Kar said hurriedly.

"Nothing much," Carth shrugged, "I made a sex deal."

" . . . Fuck you Carth."

Walking into the sparsely populated main Room, Kar immediately high tailed it to the main desk headed by a tall man who also had a purple Twi'Lek standing next to him.

"Halt," The Twi'Lek declared, "You walk in the presence of the God Child Gadon Thek."

Gadon winced, "Zaedra, you're embarrassing me."

"Um," Kar was suddenly awkward feeling, "Can I please not associate with the obsessive chick over there and just talk to Gadon?"

"YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES MORTALS."

"Right . . ." Kar stepped up to Gadon, "Listen, we need to find the Republic escape pods. I have no idea why considering we put no effort into exploring the story line, but all I know is we need a way into the Undercity."

"Well look, I'll help you out. But we need to broker a deal."

"The only deals I broker are prostitution," Kar growled, "I need to find Bastila, a Jedi. You know, now!"

"Well look," Gadon grunted, "The Vulkars captured an officer named Bastila Shan, and then set her up as the top prize in the upcoming Swoop Race tournament. We can give you the means to win the Swoop Race and win her back, but we'll need your help."

"Fine, if you want to be a manipulative ass about it, what do you need?"

"We had a Swoop bike prototype accelerator that could outrun any Swoop Bike, but the Vulkars stole it and have it in their base. We can get you into the Undercity, but only if you agree to help us."

"How exactly do you expect me to get into the base?" Kar demanded, "And please tell me it doesn't involve me meeting another useless Party Member that I'll never use."

"Gadon," Zaedra exclaimed, "While I do not doubt your infinite wisdom, you can't possibly mean Mission?"

"She knows the only way to get into the Vulkar Base from behind," Gadon argued, "And besides, she's always willing to help the Beks."

"Ugh, fine," Kar threw his arms up in exasperation, "I'll get help from the little kid."

"Wait," Gadon said, "You're going to need something to get past the guard and turrets."

"We have a uniform," Carth suggested.

"Not enough, you'll need the authorization papers to get in. Lucky for you, we just happened to have some with us. We'll trade you them for the uniform."

Carth initiated the trade instantly, which Kar would have been mad about had he not remembered something while they were walking away with the papers.

"Carth, didn't you piss in that uniform?"

Carth smirked, "Yep."

"Swag!"


	5. Undercity, Sewers, Vulkar Base

**Taris – Undercity, Sewers, Vulkar Base**

Getting into the Undercity was not as hard an affair as Kar originally thought it would be. You would think that two people you've never met in your life approaching you, dressed in suitably questionable attire and also smelling of piss and sweat, you would be slightly suspicious. But when Kar gave the guard the papers, which appeared to be poorly scrawled in Crayola, the guard accepted them without a second glance. Kar and Carth wasted no time walking into the elevator, and they silently waited for the elevator to bring them to the Undercity.

Once again, Kar detected the sense of pee wafting through the elevator. He turned and glared at Carth who seemed to realize what was going on and held his hands up defensively, "Look, it wasn't me this time, I swear."

"Then why is there a vague sense of shame, defeat, pessimism, and most importantly piss in this force damned elevator?"

"Coincidence," Carth defended, "We're heading into a village of people who piss around. Literally."

"I swear to the Force that had better be true," Kar muttered angrily as the elevator whooshed open.

Immediately as soon as they walked into the dirty and dark area known as the Undercity, they were accosted by two filthy and shady looking characters dressed in rags and just about nothing else. "Halt," One of them screeched, pointing a bony finger at them, "Up-worlders, this is OUR elevator. There is a toll of five credits for the use of OUR elevator."

"Do you make a job out of enunciating certain words in your sentences?" Kar demanded, "And I ain't gonna give you shit. Where the hell are you guys gonna spend it? Are you going to pay for a prostitute?"

After realizing their weak intimidation would not work on the heavily armed strangers, they then resorted to begging, "Please sir, we are weak and hungry. We'll do anything to get credits for medicine."

Carth got an odd look on his face, "Anything?"

"Carth, we're not here to abuse two emotionally scarred men. You're supposed to be the only emotionally scarred man we ever meet in this game. As for you two, stop staring at my face!"

Then another girl rushed forward from the shadows and shooed the two men away, "Sorry about that, those two give the village a bad name."

"Oh good, you're a woman," Kar remarked, "Wait, how old are you?"

The girl looked at him, bewildered, "Um, sixteen?"

"Damnit!"

"Anyway," The unfortunately young girl continued, "My name is Shaela, and I've lived down here in the Undercity all my life. I can tell you're from the Upper City, could you tell me what it's like up there?"

Before Kar could make a snappy remark that would most likely make the innocent girl cry, Carth jumped in, "Xenophobic, alien hating, racist against aliens and such, you know the usual stuff."

"Carth, all three of those things meant the same exact thing!"

"I'm just trying to prove a point Kar, why do you have to hurt my feelings so much?"

Shaela scratched her head uncomfortably, "Well, just look for Rukil so you can start some stupid quest, and I'll just be going now."

"Yeah," Kar grunted, largely ignoring her as he glared at Carth, "Go lose your virginity or whatever it is you teenagers do these days."

"Why are you always interested in hurting other people's feelings?" Carth demanded, looking ready to have an emotional break down as was his forte, "Don't you know how sensitive I am after what happened in my past?"

"Oh no," Kar shouted, "I refuse to confront these issues with you right now. As much as I want to stall from having Mission in our party, I refuse to stall by having you cry into my earhole!" He promptly stormed off into the village while Carth ran after him exclaiming desperately.

"But Kar, we have to discuss these vital issues about my past so that I can start to trust you and feel betrayed when you turn out to be . . ."

"Carth, we're not to that part of the storyline, so shut your damn mouth!"

"But Kar, it's not the same if I don't feel betrayed!"

"Carth, I swear I will murder you after we got off this planet," Kar stopped next to an old man stooped in his hut and jabbed a cruel finger at him, "You, are you Rukil?"

"Yes," Rukil said, "Are you the Chosen One?"

"Are we role playing Episode One or something," Kar fumed, "Fine, I guess I'm the Chosen One, now what do you want?"

"I shall tell you a story, young one . . ."

"The _concise_ version, Rukil, we have a Jedi to bone . . . I mean save."

"Very well, let me tell you the story."

**3 Hours Later . . . **

"Rukil," Kar groaned, "Get your grown ass to the point."

"And then," Rukil drawled, "After the grown crab had snapped my ass, we took a left turn onto my wiener and then . . ."

"You know what? Fuck you old man, I'm just gonna go find your stupid journals and bring them back."

Kar stormed off but was incensed even more when another, slimier looking man stopped him once again.

"You there," The man hissed, "My name is Slime, and would you like to buy some supplies?"

Carth looked into the pile of supplies and his jaw dropped, "How did you get an Arkanian blaster in the Undercity?"

"A sith patrol came down here once," Slime said slowly, "And I'll do _anything _for salvage."

Carth slowly began to pull out his unique blaster, "Anything for trade, huh?"

"Carth, stop giving these people ideas," Kar hissed, "Everyone is literally staring at your ass."

"Kar, you never let me have any fun!"

"I refuse to be involved in this prostitution ring," Kar growled, walking away to the main gate while Carth sullenly followed.

Once there they found a woman screaming at an old man by the gate, "Please open the gate, Hendar needs to get back inside!"

"Bitch, I ain't opening this gate," The old man snapped, "Not while the Rakghouls are so close."

The girl turned desperately and looked wildly at Kar and Carth, "Please, you need to make him open the gate!"

On the other side of the gate a man's voice screamed, "They're getting closer, open the gate!"

"I can't open the gate, Hendar!" The old man replied grimly.

"Sure," Kar shrugged, "We'll save . . .

At that exact time his phone rung and Carth coughed awkwardly. Kar pulled it out of his pocket and put it to his ear, "Yeah, what's the problem?"

The girl stared at Kar, bewildered, "What?"

Kar put his finger up in a placating manner, "What? What do you mean Malak didn't show up for the filming? Who in the Force is going to destroy this planet when we get out of here?"

"Destroy the planet? What are you . . .?"

Kar put a hand in her face to silence her, "Why is he mad at me?

There was a buzzing over the phone.

"He can't even eat cheesecake, hell, he doesn't even like cheesecake!"

There was a loud scream from over the gate followed by a bestial roar. The girl shouted in grief and the gatekeeper looked stricken.

Kar put away his phone and turned back to the girl, "So, who are we saving?" The girl flipped him off and stormed away crying. Kar turned to Carth and asked, "What'd I do?"

After walking out of the gate and shooting the Rakghoul that lie in wait, Kar noticed a body. After realizing who it was he took on a look of understanding on his face. Slowly, he leaned over to Carth and asked, "Were we supposed to save him?"

"What was that about Malak and cheesecake?"

Kar flashbacked to just before he had been betrayed by Malak, when his former apprentice had been crying over the com about his bloody cheesecake and simply replied, "it's a long story."

Predictably, Carth immediately got a puppy dog look of suspicion on his face, "What is that supposed to mean, TRAITOR!?"

"Oh Force, not another piece of your backstory," Kar turned to the darkness of the Undercity and hollered, "Mission, come out now!"

A girly voice answered back, "You're not close enough yet!"

"Fuck off and get over here so we can start your stupid quest to save your retarded Wookiee!"

"Why do you have to be so mean?" Mission came running out and hugged Carth protectively, "Carth, could you comfort me?"

Carth confusedly patted her back, "Um, okay?"

Kar pinched the bridge of his nose and noticed a tattoo of Carth's face on her arm, "Oh fuck, she's a Carth fan girl."

"Don't judge me," Mission screeched, "Carth is perfect and superior in every way!"

Kar flicked her nose, "Atton is better."

"Fuck you, Hater!"

"Let's go save your, Wookiee."

After wandering about and finding the very first of the Promised Land journals on the body of the Apprentice, the trio eventually caught site of the escape pod crash, where they found another group of people led by an older looking man with a VERY large gun.

"Name's Canderous," The mercenary grunted, "I'm down here checking out these escape pods for Davik."

Despite having no clue that the hell Davik was, Kar nodded at Canderous, "Nice gun."

The old mercenary patted his crotch, "I get that a lot."

"Not that kind asshole!"

"Look, I'm not interested into that kind of thing," Canderous said, ignoring him, "Anyway, we're about to get out of here before more of those creatures showed up. I've already had five men dragged into dark corners and I don't want to know what happened to them after that."

Carth's eye twitched and he tried to shake Mission off his arm as he pointed over into the shadows, "I just heard something."

At that moment, a dozen Rakghouls burst from the darkness, prepared to devour all the humans. Everything soon devolved into chaos as the men of Canderous' squad opened fire alongside Kar's team.

"Kill all of them men," Canderous hollered, "I ain't getting sexually assaulted, not today!"

A Rakghoul hacked one of Canderous' underlings to pieces, leaving only Canderous and two others. Kar threw up his arms and shouted, "We getting the fuck out of here, to the sewers!"

Canderous stomped on a Rakghoul's head, "You're going to abandon us? I'll kill you if I ever see you again!"

As Kar ran away toward the sewers, he called back to his fellow soldier, "Carth, chances of him being a party member?"

"Five hundred percent!"

"Fuck!"

**The Sewers **

Mission put her hand to her nose and groaned, "It smells like shit down here!"

Kar rolled his eyes, "Aren't you a little young for that language?"

"Fuck you, old man!"

"Mission," Carth admonished, "Calm down, please."

"Anything for you Carth," Mission cooed dreamily.

Kar huffed and opened up a door, and immediately came upon a tribe of Rakghouls. After dealing with them, they had to make a decision as to which direction they had to go in. There were two doors, one leading left the other leading right.

Carth regarded the doors cautiously, "Which way should we go?"

"Who cares," Kar grunted flippantly, "These sewers have oddly leading corridors that all lead to the exact same place."

"I won't bother asking how that makes any sense."

Kar nodded and randomly chose the left door. Walking through, they immediately ran into a Gamorrean patrol that was easily dispatched. After walking into a room and finding yet another Promised Land journal, Kar walked across the way and opened up the door.

"Shit," Kar screamed, slamming the door immediately.

Carth withdrew his blasters, "What's wrong?"

The soldier spat out a chunk of throw up onto the ground and wiped away the spit on his lips, "Theirs a Gamorrean orgy going on in there."

Mission got a hopeful look on his face, "Did you see Zaalbar in there?"

"No, but I did see something very hairy, although that may have been a Gamorrean's . . .

"Stop talking," Carth mumbled, his face looking very green, "I'll just throw some grenades in there."

"Don't slip on the lube."

Carth crept forward, put his shirt over his head, and opened the door. He threw a few grenades into the room and lunged away as the door closed. There was a muffled boom followed by the screams akin to that of several pigs. The trio walked into the room, where they saw the corpses of several naked, bloody Gamorrean corpses.

Carth stared at them for several more seconds than necessary, "This is so weird."

Mission's mouth was open in shock, "Is that really what they look like?"

"Carth, stop making the readers question your sexuality. Mission, you're underage, so just . . . stop."

"Hey," Mission cried out, "That door over there has some kind of old fashion lock; I think I have something that might just open it."

Kar reluctantly followed her, muttering, "There had better not be a porn hub in there."

After a minute of fiddling with the old fashion mechanism on the door, Mission stepped back as it creaked open, revealing what was inside.

Zaalbar walked out into the open, looking just as huge and more of a carpet than usual. Mission screamed in excitement and hugged the Wookiee in happiness.

"I'm so happy you're alive," Mission cried in glee.

"Thank you for saving me," Zaalbar growled, "They were threatening me with oddities beyond what you can understand, so I thank you. Who are your friends?"

"This is Kar and Carth; they helped me get to you."

"Thank you," Zaalbar gargled, offering a paw to Kar, who hesitantly accepted it, "As a reward for saving me, I offer you a life debt."

"Um, look Zaalbar, I'm not really into that kind of thing . . ."

"Not like that," Mission interrupted, "It just means he'll follow you and do as you command."

Carth tilted his head curiously, "Will he do anything?"

The Wookiee turned and put his paw on Carth's shoulder, "May I spank you?"

Carth glanced at Kar, "What'd he say?"

"I'm not getting involved in this whole sex slavery thing you guys have going on."

"Anyway," Mission said awkwardly, "Now that you helped me, I'll help you get into the Vulkar base."

"Do we have to bring the perverted carpet with us?"

"I swear he'll be really fucking useful."

Kar scoffed, "He better not watch my ass while we're walking!"

After taking a pit stop to find the last Promised Land Journal, the group stumbled upon an imposing force field that shielded them from further exploration.

Mission gestured to the shield, "This will lead to the Under Sewers."

"How many levels are there to this Force damned planet?"

"Well, there are the Sub-sewers . . ."

"Just shut up and deactivate the Force Field."

Carth leaned on Zaalbar, "Guys, I think my premature arthritis is acting up right now."

Zaalbar purred, "I'll carry you if you want."

Mission grabbed Carth's arm, "Back off, he's mine!"

Kar walked into the Under Sewers, completely ignoring the ridiculous argument happening behind him.

**The Under Sewers **

It was all mainly uneventful walking through the Under Sewers save for the few scuffles between the Gamorreans and Rakghouls.

"Wait," Mission said suddenly, "I think I might have forgotten to mention something."

Kar glared at her angrily, "Do I even need to know what the hell it is you forgot?"

"I . . . might have forgotten to mention that there was a Rancor in the way of the base."

"I swear if you weren't sixteen and a girl I would punch the shit out of you for that!"

"Kar," Carth said, "Don't threaten a sixteen year old girl."

"Weren't you busy flirting with Zaalbar or something?!"

"Don't judge me for what I do in my spare time!"

Kar promptly shot Carth in the shoulder, "We're in the middle of saving the most attractive woman in this entire game, and we don't have time to dwell on the ambiguity of your sexuality and taste!"

"Don't be so hard on him," Zaalbar said, "He's simply depressed about his past."

"I really don't have time for this."

Mission poked Kar, "Maybe you should take a blunt to cool down."

"What are you teenagers doing these days on this planet?"

Zaalbar shook his head sadly, "She has a serious problem."

Kar rolled his eyes, and walked away as the rest of the group rushed after him, still squabbling between them. Walking into the next room where a fountain of sludge fell down a drain and filled the room with the smell of manure, which was terrible.

A crazed droid suddenly burst from the sludge and threw a few shots at them. Zaalbar shot it with his bowcaster, which destroyed it, but not before it shot Kar in the knee and knocked him onto his ass.

"Shit!"

Mission rushed forward, "Don't worry, I can fix it," She promptly stuck her blunt in it.

"Mission, you asshole, what are you doing?!"

"I'm staunching the bleeding!"

"Mission, it's a blaster wound!"

"So, I should get a bigger blunt?"

Kar shoved her away, and hobbled up, "Mission, just stop trying to help me. Didn't I shoot Carth in the shoulder a minute ago? Go help him."

"Do I have to take his shirt off to help the wound?"

Kar brushed her off, "Sure, whatever."

"Yes, Carth, can I look at your pants . . ."

The Rancor was way bigger than Kar would have thought could fit in a sewer. It really was surprising to see such a giant beast just sitting around with a giant bone pile laying a little ways away. Looking at a shredded up arm with a datapad gripped tightly in its rotting hand, Kar briefly wondered just how the hell it got there, before deciding to simply ignore the thought and pick up the datapad from the dead arm.

On the top was a blaring sentence:

_PLEASE READ, NOT AN OBVIOUS PLOT DEVICE! _

Kar rolled his eyes, "Come on Bioware, at least put some effort into it."

Mission walked up and peeked over his shoulder, "What are we doing?"

"This person had some kind of scent pellet that would attract the rancor. If we put it with a grenade, it should be enough to kill the Rancor."

"Wow," Mission blinked, "That's really convenient."

"Whatever," Kar stooped over the arm and found one of the pellets the datapad discussed attached to an arm band. He turned around, took a frag grenade from his belt and handed it to Mission, "You're the only one with any stealth skill, so you go out and place this stuff in that corpse pile over there."

Zaalbar looked worried, "Why are we sending out a sixteen year old girl to do this?"

"She lowered the force field, now everyone is expendable, except for me of course. Now Mission, go do it."

Mission crossed her arms and pouted, "I don't wanna do it!"

Kar scowled darkly, "What, do I have to feed you a Scooby snack or something?"

He grabbed her by her Lekku and threw her out of the safety of the corridor. Standing up as slowly as all possible, she stealthily began to creep toward the corpse pile with the pellet and grenade.

Carth nudged Kar, "Think she has any chance of doing this?"

"No, but hopefully the Rancor is so busy marveling at her stupidity and proceeding to eat her that we can just sneak right by."

Meanwhile, Mission was getting closer to the corpse pile. Just as she was about to place the poison, Zaalbar farted.

The Rancor turned about and roared at seeing the young Twi'Lek. As it charged her, Kar hissed, "Quick, run while it's distracted."

They all ran past, around the Rancor who was too busy with Mission to notice them.

"Should we help Mission?" Carth asked.

"She's a party member, she'll probably survive!"

Zaalbar hollered, "Probably?"

"She's sixteen; Rancors don't eat sixteen year olds!"

**The Vulkar Base**

"Why does every area on this planet smell like shit?" Kar exclaimed.

"Kar," Carth scoffed, "You just walked out of a sewer, that's your smell."

"I don't agree Carth; it smells like how sex feels in here."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't need your opinion on my vocabulary, Carth!"

Kar stalked into the closest room and discovered a Duro dressed in a white apron, serving something from a food line that looked like a mix between shit and a frozen block of muffins. Kar wasn't sure how they managed to mix those things to the point where they looked the same, but Kar didn't really want to know.

The Vulkars turned and saw the group and immediately rushed them. After managing to slaughter everything in the vicinity without somehow alerting the base, they realized that a young girl was hiding underneath a table. She crawled out hesitantly and stared at them in a panic.

"Please," She whimpered, "I'm not even a Vulkar; I'm just a slave waitress."

"Don't worry," Kar stated loudly, "I won't kill you . . . Wait, how old are you?"

She looked scared and confused, "Um, seventeen?"

"God Damnit," Kar shouted, "The universe never gives me anything."

The waitress played with her hands, "Can I please just go?"

"Fine," Kar fumed, "And fuck the youth!"

Zaalbar let the girl pass, "You're not going to try and bone every girl we meet are you?"

"Within reason Zaalbar, I refuse to date a woman of terrible hygiene below the belt."

"Does that include Bastila?"

"Zaalbar," Kar growled, walking into the room and sweeping his eyes around, "Don't ruin this romance for me."

Finding a console in the central room, he sliced into it and checked all the camera angles. Checking in on the barracks, he saw several Vulkars dressing and undressing in the area. Ignoring the very odd look of such a thing, he smirked evilly and pressed down onto the very bottom option. A conduit exploded and engulfed the entire room in lightning.

"What was that sound?" Carth asked.

"That was the sound of mass murder, Carth," Kar hissed gleefully, "Time to scavenge the riches."

Carth followed him with narrowed eyes, "You seem really into Mass murder, Kar."

"Carth, I swear if you accuse me of being a Dark Lord again . . ."

Carth suddenly pounced and threw Kar against a wall, "How do I know you're not?" Maybe you're actually Darth Malak I disguise!"

Kar peeled himself from the wall and shot Carth in the foot, "How do you possibly come to these crackpot conclusions?"

Zaalbar tilted his head a little, "I think it has something to do with deep emotional issues."

"Thank you Zaalbar for that terribly obvious insight, and would you stop tilting your head like that!"

Cautiously opening the door to where he had exploded the conduit, Kar saw several charred and smoking corpses. Walking in and nudging the bodies, he noticed several distinct keycards on the floor that gleamed with the label "NECESSARY PLOT ITEM".

Kar rolled his eyes, "Oh come on, Bioware atleast put some effort in."

He picked up the keycards and checked the map to see where he was going. After wandering about the base for several minutes trying to find some way to use the keycards, he finally found a terminal to slot the keycards in. He disabled the turrets and walked right through the door. While walking past the turret, he noticed another label.

"CHEAP INSTA-KILL TURRETS"

"Oh come on Bioware!"

**Vulkar Garage **

Walking into the garage Kar was immediately hit with the smell of bacon fat and grease, which was probably the best smell he had smelt his whole time on the planet. After quickly destroying a droid, they decided to wander around and found a massive door that was locked to the point they had no way of opening it.

Carth limped behind Kar as they walked off, "What do you think's behind that door?"

Kar shrugged, "Knowing Bioware, probably some overly powered droid that takes every single piece of gear we have to win. In other words, a bunch of donkey bullshit."

Immediately afterwards, they were confronted by some guy with two of his groups who immediately opened fire. How the resulting firefight did not somehow alert the entire base, Kar was particularly sure, but once he realized he just killed the Garage Master and taken his key card, he got a lot happier. After managing to find a command console in the Garage Master's office, Kar proceeded to disable all the locks on every security door.

Zaalbar tilted his head, "Do you think we should go back to that security door in the garage?"

"Zaalbar," Kar growled, "Please readjust your head into its normal position, and for the record we are going back. Carth, how many Ion grenades have we got?"

"Two," Carth replied grimly.

"We'll just have to take out chances."

_A lengthy boss battle later . . . _

"Is this place a fucking arcade game studio!?" Kar shouted, "That damn droid had a fucking hose of pure ice, he's like the fucking Silver Surfer!"

Zaalbar tapped him on the shoulder, "I think Carth is dying of frostbite."

Which may have been true considering Carth's face was completely blue, "I think my feces is turning into ice crystals."

Kar rolled his eyes, "Zaalbar, you're practically a walking fur jacket, just hug him a little."

"It would be my pleasure."

Kar dug around in the footlockers and scowled, "Two thousand credits. That's all we get for frozen feces, this is a bunch of bullshit."

After managing to save Carth from extreme hypothermia, the three of them walked around and found a small little room snuck into the corner of the garage. After dealing with the Vulkars inside, they opened up the security door beyond and immediately ran into an advanced squadron of Vulkar troops.

"Ah," The lead Twi'Lek declared, "You are the intruders. My name is Kandon Thek, and I assume you're here for the Swoop Bike accelerator."

"Oh," Kar said dryly, "You have a name so I guess I should deign to speak to you, so what do you want?"

"We know you're here for the accelerator, and I know you're working for Gadon. I should tell you that you can't have it, but we may be able to work out a deal."

"Wow," Kar snapped, "You have wannabe sinister villain written all over you."

"Please do not insult me," Kandon soothed.

"I'm not kidding, that's literally what it says on your name tag."

It did, in fact, say 'wannabe sinister villain' right on Kandon's name tag.

"Not the point," Kandon grumbled, "Look, we're going to kill you if you try to take the Swoop Bike Engine. But I'll give you a chance to join the Vulkars and take out the Beks for us."

"Fuck that," Kar shouted, "I refuse to walk all the way back to the Bek base and kill everyone there after all the shit I just went through, you're dining in hell tonight bitch!"

Carth groaned, "Did you just reference 300?"

"Don't ruin the moment, Carth!"

Kandon went for his blaster, but Kar pulled out a frag grenade and threw it right into the crowd. It exploded and sent everyone on the Vulkar side flying around like ragdolls.

Kar ignored the shit smell of charred flesh and walked through the smoke cloud and finally saw the thing they had been working so hard to get.

"Finally!"


	6. Swoop Race and Sith Base

Chapter 6: The Swoop Race and Sith Base

"You know! You would think after all of this we would get a goddamn break!"

Kar was busy pacing around the Hidden Bek dorm room afforded to them so that they may rest for the Swoop Race tomorrow, as the other three occupants of the room rolled their eyes at the nonstop ranting and covered their ears angrily. Mission, who had managed to escape the Rancor of the last chapter somehow with only a lost pair of underwear, rolled over and screeched, "Kar! I'm trying to rest over here!"

"You're not the one who has to drive an explosive Swoop Racer tomorrow surrounded by shady people," Kar snapped back, "All of this just so I can bone a hot chick."

Mission however, wasn't having it, "I'm about to KILL you."

Zaalbar growled and rolled out of his sleeping bag, shuffling over to Mission. He reached into his plentiful fur and withdrew a familiar candy bar, "Mission, eat a snickers Bar."

"Why!?"

"Because you're menstruating Mission and you act like a murderous bat lady."

Mission looked almost ready to explode but her child like instincts took over and she snatched the candy bar out of the grip of the wookiee. She rolled over and began to nibble on it and was fast asleep before anyone could even question what Zaalbar had just done.

Carth arched a brow, "How long have you had that in your fur Zaalbar?"

"Wanna find out?"

"Not while I'm in the room you disgusting freaks," Kar snapped, "Carth, hands off the testicle fur!"

Carth retracted and pouted, "You're still no fun! Just live a little would you?"

Karl's jaw practically dropped, "Who are you?!"

Carth winked at Kar, "A straight badass."

"Damnit Carth, are you gay or not?!"

It was several hours before they were all aroused from their sleep by some random Rodian chick who poked Kar awake with a stick and also jabbed everyone else to quickly get them up. Kar stumbled up, looking half dead and also half drunk and shook his head wildly. Mission rolled out of bed and quickly rushed to the bathroom screaming something about cramps and Zaalbar ate a fresh Snickers bar from out of his fur.

Carth meanwhile rose up from his sleeping bag, shoulders shaking and eyes wide, "I dreamed of death and my wife last night. Goddamn I miss that pussy."

Kar almost tripped over while putting on his pants and narrowly avoided slamming into a wall, "When did I go to sleep?"

Zaalbar rubbed his nonexistent chin, "Pretty sure you fell asleep twenty minutes before we woke up."

"Why don't I remember anything of what happened nine hours ago?"

Carth continued his shaking in the corner, "Those boobies man, they killed me. Then she died, irony man . . ."

Ignoring Carth's delusional thoughts and rants about his wife, Zaalbar shrugged calmly, "Partial insanity and emotional problems?"

"Zaalbar, I'm not Carth!"

"Then maybe it's because you're Re . . ."

"And we're not to that part of the story yet!"

"Then I am definitely betting on drugs," Zaalbar then noticed that Mission had been gone for quite a bit of time, "Is Mission still in the bathroom?"

At that point Mission entered the room again, lekku hanging lazily and blue skin tinted a smidgen green from intense sickness. She tripped over her feet and then paused, staring at all three of the men with an intense look of horrid disgust and hatred, "I despise you all."

Kar faceplalmed, "You're not pregnant are you?"

The dorm room was then rocked by the shrill screams of "I'LL KILL YOU" and the roars of a brave Wookiee holding her back.

It took several minutes of fighting and intense running away, because holding down an enraged woman on her cycle was near impossible for anybody. About a dozen soldiers were injured trying to manage it, but at least it distracted her enough for Kar to promptly leave the Bek base and go toward the Swoop Race Competition. A Bek who had also managed to get out of the base before being attacked by Mission shakily led him there and as soon as he got there scurried away, leaving him alone surrounded by an immense amount of spectators waiting to see the Swoop Races.

Of course, by immense that really meant six people watching the track and seven more that were racers themselves. "Wow," Kar mumbled to himself, "Nobody cares, why am I doing this again?"

As he stepped up onto the starter platform, totally lost as to what he was supposed to be doing, an Ithorian with a name tag of "Fucking Chatterbox" approached him and began to speak monotonously, "You must be the Hidden Bek driver for our Prototype Swoop Bike."

"How the hell did you know?"

"Simple, you're white."

Shrugging off the intense amount of racism that was just thrown at him with surprising ease, Kar didn't miss a beat, "And who are you exactly?"

"I'm the technician Chief for the Swoop Bikes. Gadon wanted me to teach you how to properly work the Swoop Bike because I'm assuming you don't know how to handle one of this Caliber."

Kar gave him a flat stare, "This is about to get boring isn't it?"

"Just a few questions and you'll be alright."

Kar scowled, "What questions could you possibly need to ask?"

"Are you above the age of nine?"

"What do you think asshole?" The Republic Soldier dead panned.

The Ithorian blatantly ignored him, "Have you ever been trained in Swoop Racing before?"

Kar looked dubious, "You do realize who you're talking to right? I don't even remember what I did two weeks ago."

"Right," The Ithorian Chatterbox shrugged, "You're good enough."

The soldier rolled his eyes, "Am I supposed to be Anakin Skywalker?"

Walking around blindly to find where the hell he was supposed to start his heats, Kar stumbled upon the very girl he had been lusting after for the last 5 chapters sitting restrained in a cage with a collar around her neck. This was strangely sexy to him, so Kar got caught drooling for about ten minutes before one of the guards got weirded out by it and smacked him away. But not before Kar whispered the words, "I love you," to her.

Finally Kar managed to find himself the start reception desk in order for him to start his heats where he was greeted by an incredibly ugly Duros manager, who asked him something along the lines of, "Please allow me to help you lube up your Swoop Engines."

Kar was admittedly never that good at translating Duros but he was pretty sure Lube was accurate and that Swoop Engine had a doube meaning for something incredibly dirty. It was a minute of intense and awkward silence before the soldier managed to slide by the desk and just followed a Black Vulkar mechanic to the starting point.

As it turned out, riding a swoop bike was in all actuality not that hard. All he really had to do was press left or right on the control panel to go either way and then press a button labeled conveniently "Boost" in order for him to go fast. All it took was three heats to beat everybody else's ass at the race. Kar wasn't really sure if it was due to the prototype or because everybody else sucked so much. Halfway into his first heat three people had already crashed and one person got molested in the corner of the track. Needless to say the level of competition was as low the Under-Lower-Sub Sewers.

"You're all a bunch of idiots," Kar muttered, "How you two groups weren't all killed by the Sith by now is a mystery"

"Everybody," The Duros announced in a sudden spurt of English literacy, "We have our winner, Kar Dunkley!"

Kar was horribly confused, "That's my last name? Seriously?"

Everybody ignored this odd question from the Swoop Race Winner and instead cheered. Obviously, since their was only a grand total of four of them now (The other two fell onto the track and got ran over) the actual cheering was about as equal to a normal golf crowd. He awkwardly bowed at the cheering and righted himself as a heavily armored man walked through the crowd and stood resolutely, quickly surrounded by the Black Vulkar swoop riders that were still alive.

"I am Brejik, leader of the Black Vulkars," He announced loudly and dramatically, "Badass and also a childish little bitch."

"Seems kind of a backwards title," The Republic soldier said to himself, then replied, "Hey Brejik, can I get the hot chick now?"

"Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I wanna deflower her daffodil so you can't have her ever."

"Bitch!" Kar shouted instinctively, "The hot chick is mine!"

"My name is Bastila!"

Everybody turned wildly and saw Bastila, in all her mighty and incredible anger, standing over the body of three dead Vulkar guards and a Vibrosword in her hand, red with blood. Brejik backed away, fearful for his own life (Perhaps justifying the "Childish little bitch" in his title) and shrieked, "How did you get out? You were restrained by my paralysis potion!"

Bastila sneered and twirled the blade in her hand, "Men can't cook anything for shit."

Kar groaned, "Oh God, she's a bitch."

Bastila jumped forward and attacked, making a show out of cleaving everybody to pieces in a mad woman rage. Brejik screamed like a little girl and backed away as Bastila launched herself at him, swinging her blade with the finesse of a . . . Well, trained Jedi obviously and in only a couple of seconds he was lying on the floor with his head separated and on the opposite side of the room. Wildly she turned around and poked a finger in his face, "As for you! Don't make me cut your balls off."

Kar winced, "Uh, Republic soldier you're telling that too. Don't you remember me?"

"I remember an incredibly ugly man."

Kar blew out a tired breath and rubbed his temples, "Yeah, definitely a bitch."

Getting Bastila to actually come and follow him to Kar and Carth's shared hideout was an annoying task considering she bitched and complained every four seconds about something or other. Eventually the two of them got into the apartment complex and Kar practically threw Bastila at Carth as he trudged off to take a shower, grumbling something about "Hating the youth."

When he finally thought he got the filth of constant whining and Rancor puke out of his mouth and clothes (Which one was where is interchangeable) Kar walked into the main room where Bastila and Carth were still arguing.

"What do you mean you don't have a plan to get off this planet yet you useless man?!" Bastila roared.

Carth looked ready to piss himself out of fear, "It's . . . It's . . . It's . . ."

"It's what?!"

"For Force's sake," Kar shouted, getting in the between the two of them, "I was in the bathroom for an hour, what have you been doing all this time?"

Carth whimpered, "She was bullying me!"

Bastila rolled her eyes and flicked her bangs aside, "All I did was ask him if he had a plan to get off the planet and all he did was stutter the same word over and over again."

Kar facepalmed, "You're both completely stupid. I'm going for a walk outside so I can actually not get bogged down with personal issues for more than 2 minutes."

Carth looked heartbroken, "But Kar, we still need to talk!"

"Carth, I swear to the Force I'm going to murder you!"

Walking out of his apartment, Kar was almost immediately accosted by a light green skinned Twi'lek. The alien threw him a seedy look, "Are you the man who won the Swoop Race?"

Kar blinked, "Sure, I guess."

"Go see Canderous Ordo at the Cantina, he wants to talk to you."

"This sounds like the beginning of a rape scene for the record," Kar said, bewildered, "Wait a minute . . . Canderous Ordo?"

"Yeah man, yeah man," The Twi'lek hissed skittishly, "What about him?"

Kar remembered back only a few hours ago when he had decided to run away and abandon a certain Mercenary down in the Undercity, "Fucking shit!"

Bringing along Bastila and Carth was like having an atomic bomb explode behind you every ten seconds. Between the constant crying and complaining about basically everything, Kar was just about ready to blow his own brains out by the time he made it to the Cantina where Canderous was waiting for them.

When Kar's eyes set on Canderous, he winced. The Mandalorian was covered in scratches and his clothes were torn, apparently the only pair he owned, and along with that he had a giant band aid over his left eye. Oddly enough Canderous' giant repeater blaster also had a giant band aid along the length of it. The band aided blaster gave Kar the impression that Canderous was something of an obsessive maniac, which of course didn't make the already scary situation any better.

The Mandalorian soldier spotted them quickly and Kar could see the instant recognition in his eyes and his mouth transform into a scowl, "Five hundred percent huh?"

Kar winced, "Well at least now we know Carth can do some really bomb Math."

Bastila put her hands on her hips for about the seven hundredth time in the last hour, "You men are all the same. Bragging about your math skills and your blaster sizes, don't you know that female Jedi are better than all of that uncivilized nonsense?"

Kar rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to force smack Bastila senseless, "Ignore the crazy sexist over there, she's new here."

Canderous cocked a brow "seductively" at the female Jedi, "Maybe she could use some new experience with me."

"Can we please get back on the topic?"

"Okay well first thing's first, I hate you," Canderous grunted, and Kar nodded in agreement with this statement, "Second thing, even though I hate you, you're a way more capable fighter than I'd think. Or at least, SHE is."

He pointed at Bastila. The Jedi crossed her arms huffily, "Don't make me break your piggish finger."

"I love women who like to give it out rough."

"CAN WE PLEASE STAY ON TOPIC?" Kar exclaimed.

"Huh? Oh right, see I saw you win the Swoop Race which proves you're not completely useless. I'm planning to get off this planet because my Boss Davik has turned into a complete idiot. Have you seen that purple armor he's been wearing? Sheesh. Anyway, what I need you to do is go and get the Sith Codes from the Military Base, allowing us to use them and get past the Sith Blockade in Davik's ship, the Ebon Hawk. Get it?"

"How exactly do you plan to get us into the Sith base, it's locked down."

"You'll get in using a completely pointless droid you will never use in the rest of the game. His name is T3-M4, in other words he's totally fucking useless. You can buy him from the Droid Shop in Upper Taris, run by Keble Yurt. You in?"

"I don't agree with this plan," Bastila growled, "I could probably think of something much better."

Considering Bastila disagreed with everything any man said, Kar promptly ignored her opinion and for some reason decided he could at least ask Carth for his opinion, "What do you think Carth?"

"I agree with the purchase of the dildo."

Kar made a face, "Carth, it's not that kind of . . . You know what? Never mind, I don't even know why I bothered with you. We're in Canderous!"

"I get the feeling you idiots are going to mess this up," Canderous sighed, "But whatever, just go get the droid."

The droid shop was rather easy to find considering it seemed to be the only droid shop on the planet. It was run by a yellow skinned Twi'lek who seemed friendly enough.

Well she was friendly until the group realized what her ridiculous prices were.

"Twenty five hundred credit for that!?" Kar pointed at the rusty T3 unit, who seemed to be determined to run through the wall by constantly ramming into it, "It looks like you bought that thing from a garage sale and painted it silver."

"Leave this innocent woman alone!" Bastila snapped, "She is simply a woman trying to make a living in this world, but I bet your Patriarchy doesn't agree with that now does it?"

"Why do I even bother with women?!" Kar yelled, "For Force's sake fine!"

He slammed down his credits and stormed away, Bastila with a smug look on her face and Carth carrying T3 under his arm to stop the droid from ramming into another wall. Getting to the Sith Base was also not very difficult, since it was only a little ways across the street from the droid store and what they discovered is that in their way was a high security door with an added sign that read "No Intreuders".

Kar pinched the bridge of his nose, "These people are idiots," He turned to Carth, "What do we do with the droid now?"

Carth cocked his head to the side and made a thoughtful sound. Thinking about it must have been making his brain explode with the effort. Finally, Carth shrugged and just put the droid on the ground in the direction of the door, "Let him do his breaking thing I guess."

T3 rolled forward at the door. When the door finally came to the door, he repeatedly slammed against the door but made no move to actually open it. Kar's face looked ready to practically explode, literally explode, "I'm about to smack a bitch," He hissed.

Then all of the sudden after repeated bumps the door opened!

Kar's jaw just dropped, "The hell just happened?" T3 rolled back, head spinning and made a wild set of beeps and whistles that Kar translated fluently, "What do you mean you penetrated the door?"

T3 made a long, seductive sounding beep.

Kar rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Great, we have a horn dog, near rapist droid on our team."

The astromech droid whistled indignantly.

"T3 don't lie, it's incredibly like rape!"

Bastila sneered angrily, "Even the droids are into your whole Male Patriarchy huh? What ever happened to "All droids are created equal"?

"What are you even talking about?"

"Um," Carth said meekly, "Could we go inside now, T3 is humping my leg."

Kar threw an accusatory look at an unashamed T3, "I hate all of you."

The sith base was heavily guarded and protected just as the team had expected, however the four of them managed to work out a strategy pretty quickly after getting into the base. T3 would roll forward over the feet of the soldiers, throwing off the focus and concentration of the guards as the three human warrior/crybabies cleaved through them with ease. Carth seemed to go into one of his homicidal states and murdered people left and right, headshots everywhere while Bastila twirled her double bladed lightsaber, creating a yellow wall of light that deflected dozens of blaster bolts back into the wall of defending Sith troopers. Kar threw a cryoban grenade to split up and blow back the Sith and the remaining soldiers ran and retreated.

The four man squad pushed forward and struck down the remaining Sith, leaving them unopposed as they pushed further into the bed. A Duros in a force cage cried out to them, "Wait a minute, it's you! Do you remember me!? I was the Duros who hid the bodies for you!"

"Don't remember your name," Kar shouted back, "Fuck off ass!"

The squad continued by the Duros and then managed to make it to the elevator that led down into the lower level of the base, where the governor's office lay.

The group entered the elevator and Bastila closed her eyes as it descended, "I can sense the Dark Side radiating below, from the Governor. He is a powerful Dark Jedi, all of you beware."

"He sounds like a dick," Kar noted.

"It takes one to know one."

"You know Bastila, I will smack the force right out of your vagina."

Before they could continue, the elevator door dinged open. The four of them stepped out of the elevator and trekked through the dramatically long hallway to the office entrance. Kar opened the door and they came face to face with the governor, who rose and turned to meet them, pale hands clutching his double Vibrosword tightly, "So, four idiots have come to face me. A Jedi, a force sensitive retard, a sensitive man woman and a rapist droid."

Carth tapped Kar's shoulder, "Which one of us is the sensitive man woman?"

"Carth, just shut up and shoot him!"

"What!?" The Governor exclaimed, "The four of you fools cannot hope to possibly . . ."

Then T3 set him on fire with his flamethrower and the supposed "Dark Jedi" fell to the ground, screaming in pain until he finally succumbed to the fire and died, a charred black corpse.

Kar and Bastila's jaw dropped. Bastila blinked, "When did you get a flamethrower!?"

T3 whistled innocently.

"And you didn't think to mention that?" Kar demanded. T3 beeped indignantly and Kar's face became red again, "I'm spacing all of you except for Bastila when we get off this goddamn planet."


	7. Davik and the Escape

Chapter 7: Davik and the Escape!

"Canderous, the next time you tell me to go and get a droid could you please feel free to mention that it's a sex offender AND a raging psychotic?"

The Mandalorian furiously didn't seem surprised by this revelation and idly patted T3 on it's head, "That was Davik's fault actually. He's into weird stuff, and I mean really weird so he had the droid outfitted with some . . . Questionable programs."

Bastila opened her mouth to say something but Kar quickly clamped his hand over her face, "Whatever, it doesn't matter. Look we got the droid and the launch codes, so now you take us to Davik's base like you promised," He winced as Bastila stubbornly bit his finger.

Canderous nodded and patted his gun which was now missing it's giant band aid, "I guess it's time to get this job done, I got a swoop in the upper city ready to take us back to the compound. It only fits three though, which mean you, me and somebody else," He looked past Kar and eyed Bastila, "Pick which of these two you want to cum. I mean come."

Kar rolled his eyes and considered his options. A feminist, sexist and incredibly bitchy woman who never shut up or a droid obsessed with sex that was (Sadly?) gay and a homicidal maniac? Kar frowned at the choice then noticed Bastila's breasts and snapped his fingers, "Bastila you're coming with us!"

Bastila narrowed her eyes and glared at Canderous who seemed pleased by this choice, "Come near me and I will mutilate your genitals."

"Now I like the sound of that baby."

The drive to Davik's complex was oddly simple for the usual adventures Kar had. Bastila's complaining was minimal as she blatantly made an effort not to attract Canderous' attention, and except the occasional pointing out that Canderous was going the wrong way she was reluctantly silent. The Mandalorian drove the swoop bike steadily, keeping his huge gun in his lap and apparently seemed to take on the role of tour guide as he pointed out random things such as hobos or pie stands on the walkways near the hyper lanes.

"That's Momma's Pie Stand right there," The Mandalorian uttered happily, "She sure knows how to bake a young guy something hardy."

Without meaning to Bastila blurted out, "Your Mom is still alive, at like one hundred?"

Like some kind of blind creature Canderous seemed to be attracted to the sudden noise and peeked back, "I may be in my thirties, but trust me I got enough energy for three of you."

Bastila's stone faced look reeked of pure hatred and rage, and it probably would have made any other man except for Canderous piss themselves, Lord knows Kar was on the verge but the Mandalorian just smirked cheekily and continued piloting. Meanwhile Kar asked the Mandalorian to stop so he could go to the bathroom for a few minutes.

The rest of the actual journey was relatively uneventful and as they approached Davik's lavish compound Kar came to the realization that Davik had an intense love of purple. The walls on the outer complex were purple, the banners hanging from the roof were purple, even the doors leading into the base were purple. Everything was bloody purple. As they approached the horrendously purple entry bay door, it opened up and revealed an equally purple landing bay. Canderous landed the vehicle and hopped out, moving to hold out his hand to help Bastila out of the swoop but was blatantly ignored as the Jedi stormily jumped out by herself. Kar, ever the ignored one, decided just walking instead of hopping out of the swoop would be more beneficial and easier and thus did.

As he caught up with Canderous and Bastila, the door ahead of them opened and in strode a man getting up there in years, dressed in purple armor and purple dyed cargo shorts. How the man had managed to dye cargo shorts that color left Kar horribly confused but chose not to say anything. The man next to him looked like a cross between a midget and a fighter pilot from the Hyperspace War. A white cap was tucked tightly over his scalp and flyer's goggles squeezed tightly to his face and a Chuck Norris shirt. In other words he looked like a complete fucking idiot. Kar had to groan, it was that idiot Calo Nord!

"Canderous," The man decked out in purple, who Kar presumed to be Davik, called out, "You haven't switched to my mandatory purple painted swoops, don't you know I'm trying to purple up everything in this compound? You're stinking up the joint with that orange mess you call a swoop!"

Canderous, now apparently uncomfortable, shifted awkwardly, "Sorry Davik, I'll make sure I get that new Swoop Bike."

Bastila and Kar glanced at each other at the odd pitch change then realized they were agreeing on something and scowled, looking away from each other. Then Davik finally noticed them, "Canderous, you've brought guests I see. Please introduce us! Oh my I feel like such a terrible host!"

"These two are Bastila and Kar," Canderous jerked a thumb at them, "Kar is the one who won the recent swoop race against the Vulkars and Bastila is my new sex slave."

Bastila's face went red and she opened her mouth to scream something, but Kar quickly elbowed her in the side to stop her. Meanwhile Kar forced a smile and said, "Good to meet you Davik Kang."

"So you're the one who beat down all of those Vulkars huh?" Davik queried happily, passing Canderous to shake his hand while the other, shorter, stupider looking Calo stayed behind and seemed to have a staring contest with the Mandalorian bounty hunter.

"Actually," Bastila growled tightly, "I was the one who beat them Davik."

"Ignore her Davik," Canderous quickly jumped in, "The only thing she's been beating recently is my . . ."

"Anyway!" Kar uttered hurriedly, stomping on Bastila's foot to stop her from possibly using force lightning on everybody in the room including him, "I've told Canderous that I'm interested into entering services with you Davik, and I'd love to discuss possibilities with you."

"As would I," Davik said cheerily, and pointed at the other man, "Calo, how about we show them around the compound eh?"

Calo grunted and continued locking eyes with Canderous. As Davik guided Kar and Bastila toward the hangar exit, Kar noticed that Canderous and Calo were still holding each other's eyes. Instead of a hard, competitive edge that he expected to see Kar saw that Canderous' eyes had softened and and a small smile had formed on his face, while Calo's hands seemed to be shaking with anticipation and anxiety.

Bastila nudged Kar and muttered, "What the hell are they doing?"

The Republic Soldier glanced oddly at the two Bounty Hunters and shrugged, "Feeling."

"So," Bastila said confusedly, "Does he like me or not?"

"Is somebody jealous?"

"Shut up before I make you deep throat my lightsaber dick."

The tour of the compound was the definition of the color purple. The hallways, the carpets, the doors, the statues, the chairs, the ceiling, literally everything was the color purple and it was almost unbearable. It nearly blinded him because of just so much purple. They entered a door and walked into what came to be a second hangar, this one housing a medium sized ship that wholly took up the Hangar space, which led everyone to believe that this was probably important and should actually pay attention to the exposition that Davik was spewing.

"This is the Mill . . . I mean the Ebon Hawk, my own personal cruiser ship," Davik gestured to it gracefully, beaming with pride, "I haven't been able to use it recently due to the Sith blockade but I can assure you that that won't last for long."

Kar examined the ship curiously and saw that the words Millennium Falcon had been crossed out with Purple paint and the words Ebon Hawk had been sloppily painted onto the opposite side, "I notice it isn't purple."

Davik sighed sadly, "Yes, unfortunately copyrights for the Millennium . . . I mean Ebon Hawk don't allow me to mess with it."

"What about the paint on the side?" Bastila noticed.

"I can assure you that it was like that when I got it."

As they walked out of the Hangar Bastila leaned over to Kar and whispered, "Are Calo and Canderous holding hands back there?"

"I'm to scared to look back," Kar admitted shakily.

Bastila tapped her chin, "Are you a homophobe Kar?"

"What are you kidding? I'm surrounded by people who are so confused about their sexual preference I couldn't be a homophobe if I wanted, I'm immune to it. I'm just saying, Canderous and Calo holding hands is just odd."

"I think they look cute together."

"Who are you?" Kar asked, aghast.

"Don't worry, I still hate you, Carth and Canderous equally."

"Okay good," Kar sighed in relief.

The tour finally came to a close at the room they would be staying in that mysteriously lacked any beds. Bastila and Kar sat on couches opposite across from each other while Canderous seemed to adopt his tough guy persona again and leaned against a wall, arms folded and jaw clenched, doing his best to look like an old badass.

"Now," Davik exclaimed, "You three will be staying here for today while I go ahead and look through your files and the report Canderous made about you, to see if I can find a role for you with us. Oh and by the way if you try and leave this room my guards will brutally murder you, bye!"

Davik scurried out of the room and Kar could have sword he saw Calo quickly wave at Canderous and blow him a kiss before following the Crime Lord out. Kar briefly wondered if he should ask Canderous about his "relationship" but on the off chance that meant learning about his backstory, chose not too.

"Okay," Kar said finally, "We're in, what the hell do we do now."

"Simple," Canderous grunted, pushing himself off the wall, "We make it to the hangar and hijack the Ebon Hawk. Then we use the launch codes and space off this place to wherever the hell we want."

"And with that lack of a plan," Kar remarked, "Let's make a run for it."

"Are you sure you don't want to go find your lover Calo?" Bastila said, a little to hungrily enjoying the pain that flashed across the Mandalorian's face.

"Your sex had better be the best ever," Calo muttered grouchily.

Slowly and quietly the three of them slipped from outside of their room and slid through the halls, quiet as shadows. The fact Davik didn't possess a security camera system to spot them was odd but nobody complained.

"Canderous," Kar hissed after a good twenty minutes of what seemed to be walking in circles, "Where the hell are we going?"

The mercenary ignored him and moved forward quickly, palming the opening mechanism to a door which quickly opened. Kar peeked inside and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Really Canderous?"

Canderous grinned widely and gestured to the four Twi'lek slaves joyfully, "You can't tell me you don't want some of that, or are you to pussy?"

"Not pussy . . ."

"What is this?" Bastila snarled.

". . . Just scared of that," Kar jerked his thumb at the enraged Jedi.

"This is tantamount to slavery!" Bastila exclaimed loudly, "Do women's rights just not exist on this planet!? It's the damn Patriarchy that pushed these women to this, I'll skin Davik alive!"

Around the corner, curious voices echoed, "What's going on down there?"

"Security," Canderous growled lowly and lunged, putting his paw of a hand on top of Bastila's face and muffling her rant, "Stop licking me woman, I'm ticklish!"

Kar rolled his eyes and noticed shadows creeping across the wall around the corner, "Get in the fucking room idiots!" He kicked Canderous in his ass and pushed them into the slave room.

Kar palmed the door closed and they all backed up from the door. While holding back Bastila Canderous hushed the slaves with a quick snap of his hips and everybody lay silent as footsteps stopped in front of the door. Kar glared at one of the slaves and she caught his message, clearing her throat loudly, "Don't come in, we're in the middle of something."

A deep voice, vaguely resembling a ten year smoker answered hesitantly, "What are you doing? We heard voices."

The slave glanced at Kar and the soldier shrugged. Quickly thinking the slave responded, "We were playing a game of Kotor with the volume on high."

One of the other slaves rolled her eyes and snapped, "Kotor 2 is better."

"We've discussed this! Kotor is leagues better than Kotor 2!"

"Kotor 2 is kinda better," Canderous muttered and Bastila made a muffled sound of disagreement.

"You're only saying that because you were in the game asshole," Kar whispered, voice hidden by the loud arguing of the Twi'leks.

"Uh," The guards said confusedly, not really seeing the point of the Twi'lek's argument, "We'll just leave you ladies alone for now."

Kar waited a moment and then finally let out a breath, "Can we go to where we're supposed to be going now?"

Canderous smirked innocently and let go of Bastila, who gasped for breath and stumbled to her knees. The Mandalorian chuckled, "On your knees already darling?"

"Go suck Calo's dick Mandalorian."

"Well I can't say I don't have experience now can I?"

"Canderous," Kar snapped, "Let's go please?"

"Okay," The Mandalorian smiled darkly, "Now I'll take us to the right place."

"This is the master console," Canderous explained as they came into a huge dining room, "This thing controls all door in the compound including the Hangar door."

Sneaking to this location was actually not that hard because all the security forces were crowded into specific rooms they avoided. In fact security might as well have not even existed with how easy they managed to make it through Davik's compound.

"How do you plan to get through the encryption?" Kar asked curiously.

Canderous shrugged and smashed his gun into the console. The panel dented and crinkled, and sparks flew as the damaged piece of technology wheezed and whistled, struggling to stay functioning.

"And what exactly was your plan there!?" Bastila shrieked.

Canderous held up a finger to hold their rage back and kicked the foot of the console. The cracked screen on the console flickered and burst to life, albeit with a bit of static here and there, "I've learned all the tricks to these consoles, they're flimsy but indestructible at the same time."

"That is quite possibly the most contradictory thing I've ever heard in my life," Kar and Bastila said at the same time and glanced at each other oddly.

"Maybe it is, but give me credit I got it working and bypassed the security. You're just mad that I'm smart and got it to work."

"So," Kar said sarcastically, "You're smart by destroying something."

"Basically, yeah."

*Meanwhile in Space*

Malak stuffed Cheesecake into his metal panel, crying as he desperately wished that the delicious cake would somehow enter his nonexistent mouth and allow him to taste something, anything!

Saul Karath, upon seeing the Dark Lord of the Sith acting like a teenage girl who had just broken up with their boyfriend, felt incredibly uncomfortable but also felt he should be doing something to help and stepped forward, "Uh, anything I can do my Lord?"

The Dark Lord cried loudly and threw the rest of the cake at a nearby soldier's head, "It's not fair I can't even eat my favorite food anymore Karath," Malak looked out the large viewing panel and saw the planet of Taris glittering in front of his massive Interdictor Ship and cried even more, "I need some stress relief, bomb this planet Karath."

Karath's mouth fell open, "Are you sure that's a good idea Lord?"

"Just do it Karath!"

Saul sighed and nodded his head, "Yes Lord, get ready to fire people."

*Back to the Surface*

The hangar doors flew open and the Trio rushed in as the entire compound rumbled and shook violently. Looking out the hangar opening, Kar could see shots of fire raining down onto the city of Taris, the skyscrapers crumbling and collapsing under the torrent of pure destruction.

Kar looked across the hangar and saw Davik and Calo running for the Ebon Hawk, "They're making a run for it," He shouted.

Suddenly Bastila was rushing past him, a mere blur as she moved at super human speeds, crossing the hangar in only a second and deftly dodging laser blasts piercing through the ceiling. Davik and Calo must have seen the wraith of death speeding toward them and turned quickly, bringing up their weapons.

But not fast enough.

Bastila suddenly came out of her blur and dropped to her knees, sliding and flaring her lightsaber to life. She lunged up and twirled her lightsaber, slicing off Davik's arm at the elbow. Before he could even gasp, Bastila was still moving and whirled, slashing Calo in the knee and bringing her lightsaber around to impale Davik straight in the chest through his armor. As it turned out it was made of plastic because no real armor manufacturers made purple armor except for a kids store in Southern Taris.

"Holy fucking shit," Kar exclaimed loudly as Davik collapsed, running up to Bastila, "That was fucking amazing."

Calo was on the ground, laying on his side and reached for a grenade at his belt. Suddenly Canderous' boot cracked down onto the bounty hunter's wrist and pinned him down. The Mandalorian and the Bounty Hunter's connected eyes and for a second, through all the destruction, and neither did anything.

Then the roof of the hangar groaned and screeched, and everybody looked up. The ceiling was cracking severely and straining to support itself as repeated laser blasts slammed down onto the compound. Finally the stress was to much and the ceiling came apart and huge chunks of rubble came raining down. Before Canderous could even bellow in surprise, he was suddenly flying through the air and came crashing down at the feet of Bastila who had just used the Force to pull him away from the immediate danger. The Mandalorian craned his neck up and saw the rubble come down and cover Calo until he was out of sight.

"Guys we kinda gotta go!" Kar roared, throwing himself up the ramp. Bastila quickly followed him but Canderous hesitated, staring at the rubble but then shook his head and ran up the boarding ramp.

"Something just occurred to me," Bastila said as they sat themselves in the cockpit, "What if our allies are dead?"

"Fuck!" Kar snapped, "We have to pick them up anyway so let's just go."

"Finally get off this boring ass planet," Bastila muttered as they piloted out of the hangar, going off to get their teammates and finally escape Taris once and for all.


	8. Ebon Hawk

**The Ebon Hawk and Dantooine **

"I would just like to say I'm not comfortable with a woman driving this ship!"

"Shut up you sexist pig," Bastila snarled, seating herself into the piloting chair of the Ebon Hawk, "Do you even know how to drive?"

Kar scowled and crossed his arms moodily, "I can't remember anything from two months ago Bastila so I guess it's all up to chance!"

"Can we please just focus on rescuing our allies because if you haven't noticed the Sith are bombing the entire planet and turning it to space dust, you idiot," Bastila retorted.

"Just get us out of here," Canderous hollered, "I'm gonna live to have sex another day if it's the last thing I do."

Speaking of which, the hangar was collapsing all around them. Davik's estate was being leveled to the ground by the Sith bombardment and so was almost every other building around the city. Buildings and Skyscrapers collapsed, the Upper City being turned into a living, burning hell. The walkways connecting the towers warped and collapsed, crumbling to pieces. Kar had a vague memory of where their apartment had been and hopefully the building had yet to collapse and everyone was alive. Not that he cared of course, it was all one big burden really. Still though, he had to complain to somebody who wasn't Canderous or Bastila.

As they weaved around collapsing and burning buildings, Bastila found it hard to find exactly where the hell she was going. Mainly because all of the landmarks and directions had been destroyed. A stray laser slammed into the port side of the ship and the hull shuddered and rocked, rearing to the left. Kar, who was standing behind Bastila's chair like an overprotective parent, was thrown to the side and slammed into a wall with a groan, "Bastila for Force's sake! Fix your period and get us out of here."

"It's not even my time of the month you asshole," Bastila shouted back as she struggled to regain control of the ship, "It's not my fault Malak is having an emo fest up there and taking it out on the planet."

"Where the hell did the rest of our team hide out at?" Canderous bellowed from the main room of the ship.

"Kar, get onto the Navigation Computer and GPS our way to the apartment so we can pick everybody up," She received no reply and whipped around to see Kar fiddling with his data pad, chuckling happily, "What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing?"

"Huh? Oh sorry I was playing this new game called Pong on my Datapad, I'll get right on it," Kar pocketed his Datapad as Bastila flashed him a murderous gaze and went over to the Navigation Computer, "Now's let's see where the fuck we're going to go."

Lucky for them they did eventually find the building they had been hiding out in and luckily the large majority of the sudden Sith attack hadn't struck that portion of the city yet and they managed to com Carth to meet them outside with everybody. Everybody boarded quickly, for once nobody arguing or making any ambiguous sexual choices as they crowded into the ship. Bastila made to take off into the atmosphere away from the doomed planet. Everyone crowded into the cockpit of the freighter to stare, wide eyed, out of the large windows to see the city of Taris barraged and completely obscured under a cloud of red fire and laser blasts. Explosions so large they could be seen from space made the entire crew blink. The entire city was being leveled before their eyes and all they could do was watch

Slowly, Mission's eyes began to bubble up with tears which then turned to loud sobs. The loss of what was practically her homeworld was to much for her bare. Everybody promptly ignored her.

Suddenly an alarm began blaring in the cockpit and Bastila cursed, "The sith's fleet detected us and they're scrambled ships to intercept us. Somebody needs to get on the gun turret and deal with them so we have enough time to jump to Hyperspace."

Everybody, save for Mission who was groaning purely from the emotional strain being put on her, groaned at the prospect at having to use the gun turret and ward away the fighters. They slowly eyed each other suspiciously and all at once everyone brought out their hands, curled into fists. They each waited three seconds and then put in their bid: Rock, Paper, Scissors. Through this process of elimination, it was ultimately determined that Carth would go to the Turret.

"This is a bunch of crap," Carth grumbled, "Shouldn't the main character be doing this."

Kar shot him a glare, "Not in this Walkthrough, buster. Now go save us all."

Carth, predictably, proved to be very poor at the use of the turret and ten minutes later Kar was becoming very impatient. The inside of the hull shook with the impact of yet another Sith volley and the Soldier stormed to the ladder leading to the turret and yelled up, "Carth, hurry the hell up and kill them!"

"It's not my fault," Carth hollered back angrily, "Bastila keeps swerving around and diving all dramatic so I can barely get a shot off."

Kar rubbed his temples, "I knew I shouldn't have let her drive."

Eventually, in other words an hour later, all the fighters got shot down and Carth was finally able to crawl out of the turret and stumble into the main room where everyone else was ready to fix him with disapproving stares. The ship rumbled for a short span as Bastila kicked the freighter into Hyperspace and they were safely away. Kar sat down and sighed in relief, having finally made it off that boring planet. Carth seemed asleep with his head down on the center table, Canderous was playing with his gun (ambiguous) while Mission seemed to have gotten past her sobs and was now leaning her head against Zalbaar's soft fur, sniffing gently.

Bastila stormed out of the cockpit and announced very loudly, "I've set course for Dantooine, there we'll be able to rest and Kar can become a Jedi after a few cutscenes. Everyone agreed?"

"Why can't we just keep on moving?" Carth moaned, "Dantooine is so boring and those Jedi never shut the hell up."

"They're not even going to be talking to you, Carth," Bastila rolled her eyes, "Canderous, could you stop fondling yourself?"

"Sorry Princess," He smiled tightly, "That's what happens when you stare to long."

"Guys, could you not," Mission mumbled softly, "My home planet just got destroyed."

Everybody ignored her.

"It'll be two days before we get to Dantooine," Bastila said, waving away everyone's complaints,"So we might as well become comfortable on this ship, and unfortunately I have to share my space with you sexist pigs so I'll be in the cockpit."

She strode away and Canderous doggedly chased after. Carth dragged himself away from the table and stumbled toward where the garage was where he could finally fall asleep. Mission started crying again and buried her head into Zalbaar's fur. Kar just sat there and slumped in his seat. Two days in a confined space with all these emotionally shattered people, wasn't the Force just grand?

Sharing a space with these people had revealed several different secrets and activities of his new crew mates to Kar, many which were both disturbing but also just as amusing. On the first day everything was awkward as could be because everybody on the ship wasn't used to having to share space with anybody else, and thus doing what they normally did in their daily schedules. Dormitories on each side of the ship were split up into men and women sleeping quarters, but Kar was damned if he thought he was going to get himself any sleep because Canderous thought it wise to start "self-pleasuring" halfway into the night.

Kar groaned and turned over in his sheets, throwing an incredulous look at Canderous, "What the bloody hell are you doing Canderous?"

Shamelessly, Canderous looked over and arched a brow, "Every portion of me is tired except for one part of my body and I have to fix that before I go to bed."

"I'm trying to sleep without throwing up into my sheets right now you idiot," Kar hissed, "So if you wouldn't mind, could you stop fondling your tool and go to sleep normally?"

"Leave him alone Kar," Carth mumbled in the bee above him, "The sound helps me sleep."

Canderous let out a soft moan and Kar's narrowed his eyes, "I can sense the heterosexuality in this room decreasing at an alarming rate. Can I just go?"

"You've never done this before have you?" Canderous snickered.

"Don't ever accuse me of being a prude," Kar mumbled, "I really wanna space you idiots sometimes."

It was a long time before Canderous or Kar managed to go to sleep that night.

The start of the first day was odd to say the least. Kar slept in late, not that there was any rush to do anything. By the time he woke up, he had half a mind to go back to sleep and forget the terror that was Canderous' self pleasuring moans, the little horny ass Dog. Stumbling out of bed, dressed in simple cotton pajamas, Kar realized Carth and Canderous had already woken up and left, amazingly managing not to wake him up at all. Considering the two's tendency for gay remarks and intense crying this truly might be the best morning the soldier had had in the last month. Which of course, was the only month he could remember for some reason. Getting himself dressed grudgingly, Kar decided it was finally time to leave the room and brave the horrors of his new crewmates.

Walking out of the Male dormitory, Kar strode into the main room, expecting breakfast, and saw a sight that made his jaw drop.

Carth, Canderous, T3 and Mission were all gathered around in a circle, surrounding the large circular table in the center of the room. Each one was in a varying state of undress, ranging from missing socks to shoes to shirts. T3 had a pile of parts that seemed to be extracted from his own body layed out on the table, as part of his stake. Each member had a pair of Pazaak cards fanned out in their fingers, while they dutifully and carefully inspected their hand. Slowly, Canderous put a card forward to the middle of the table, but cursed as Mission apparently countered and beat his ass back. Grudgingly the old Mandalorian shrugged off his jacket and threw it onto the table, leaving him in only a white shirt and boxer shorts. Needless to say this was intensely uncomfortable for Kar as he prepared to slink back to bed, as he assumed he was still dreaming.

All you gotta do it take your consciousness back to your body and you'll wake up for real, he thought to himself absently.

"What in the Force is going on here?!" A screeching female voice bellowed. Kar stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around, eyes widened to saucers of fear. Bastila was standing at the mouth of the hallway leading to the Female dormitory, hair frayed and eyes slit with rage, "Why is their a strip club in the middle of the ship?"

Carth didn't seem concerned for once, "Strip Pazaak."

"At eight in the morning?!"

"We were bored," Mission objected, "And none of us knew how to work the food synthesizer so we couldn't even eat. We were just gonna wait for you to wake up and find a way to work it."

Bastila spied Carth and Canderous' pants strung out on the table and shuddered, "I'm not putting my food anywhere near that table now."

Mission pouted then noticed Kar cowering in the shadows of the Hallway, "Hey Kar, you can make us some food right?"

"Mission how old are you?" The soldier asked incredulously.

Mission was lacking her shorts but had managed to keep her shirt, underwear and vest on, "I'm fourteen."

Kar rubbed her temples furiously, "Is this even legal?"

"Vaguely," Canderous hollered, chewing on a cigar, "Remember, it's not a crime if nobody catches you."

"We caught you," Bastila retorted.

"Please Princess I know you wanna strip down on this table too," Canderous replied bluntly.

"I have half a mind to Force choke you Mandalorian," Bastila hissed tightly, "Don't make me do something drastic."

"That sounded vaguely sexual . . ."

By the time Kar managed to drag Bastila off of Canderous' throat, the soldier had a thought to just open up the air lock and get it over with if this was what all his days would be like. Fuck a Star Forge and a deep, complex story line this was getting out of hand into a den of chaos. Speaking of which the Ebon Hawk smelled exactly like a Drug Den.

Deciding he would have to skirt around the main area, Kar stuck in the garage, examining the swoop racer parked out against the wall. Sure he would never use it, but really he had nothing else to do and after lazily making his way through the Swoop Races on Taris due to a mod on his swoop he figured he might as well actually learn something about them.

"I hate that bloody Mandalorian," Kar's head snapped up and saw Bastila stalking out of the Women's dormitory. He had managed to drag her back into the room to cool down after nearly murdering Canderous, but it seemed she was ready to exact her revenge on the older mercenary.

"Pretty sure you shouldn't murder any of our crewmates Bastila," Kar said hesitantly.

"Shut your mouth you idiot," She growled, "Your patriarchy never ceases to amaze me. Now you're making a fourteen year old girl play Strip poker and turning this ship into a sex den."

"Uhhhhhhhhh. . ."

"Why do I even bother? All of you are slack jawed idiots too concerned with your egos and ridiculous penis sizes."

Kar stifled an outburst of laughs, "You actually said Penis."

A projectile was thrown at his head via the Force and Kar ducked, "Hey, would you mind not hitting the Swoop Bike with anything please, I'm trying to learn here."

"I highly doubt your capacity to learn something would let you," Bastila scowled.

"Your use of long words is disturbing to me. A great disturbance in the Force I feel," Kar mocked.

"Don't make fun of Yoda," She grumbled, "He was my favorite in those movies."

"Wouldn't that create a temporal paradox because it is not only portraying future events but also you're watching it in the past and such items shouldn't exist within this timeline and also such actions haven't happened yet for the events to be documented?"

Bastila gave him an odd glance, "What?"

Kar blinked, "Oh sorry, out of character moment. What I really meant to say is that you're an extreme baby girl for actually like the prequels."

Before Bastila could get over her confusion and tear Kar a new one, Mission's voice squealed out, "That's it Canderous, you lost! Now pull it out!"

Kar and Bastila glanced at each other and rushed toward the main hold, eager to prevent a case of potential child scarring and pornography.

DAY 2

"Hey Mission," Carth called out, approaching the young girl who was eating a small breakfast in the main hold, "How're you doing?"

The Twi'lek blinked as if emerging from a dream and stared at the soldier with blank eyes, "I'm currently recovering from the destruction of everything I knew and loved on Taris. Everybody's dead, everything destroyed and now I have only one person who truly cares about me."

"Yeah, yeah whatever," Carth flippantly waved away her depressed tones, "Kar tried to shoot me in the face when I woke him up to complain about my backstory, so I figured after waking up from a mentally scarring nightmare I might as well come and talk to somebody else who's emotionally insecure you know?"

Mission's eyes glazed over as if remembering and then snapped back into reality, "Promise to hold me back if I develop homicidal tendencies?"

Carth smirked, almost looking tearful (Which granted was not something new for him), "I told my Wife the same exact thing after the Mandalorian Wars."

"Canderous, get out of the bloody cockpit," Bastila growled, "Your stupidity might rub off on the ship and make us crash into a Sun."

"You're just mad that I almost pulled out my tool in front of Mission instead of you Princess," Canderous remarked, seating himself in the co-pilot chair, "Don't overreact."

"In front of a fourteen year old girl," Bastila corrected, "Luckily Kar bum rushed you and knocked you right onto your . . ."

"Fourteen and a half actually," Canderous huffed, wincing at the memory, "It's all about semantics Princess."

"You have experience?"

"Let's just say the woman might have been my sister."

The Jedi cocked a perfectly arched eyebrow, "I was expecting you to say you were some sort of nerd who was rejected by every other girl. Is that why you were desperate enough to go for your sister?"

Canderous gave her a dead panned stare and reached over with his long arm and flicked Bastila's temple, "Says the Virgin. Atleast I had a woman at some point."

"Does that confirm that you did, in fact, go out with your sister?"

Canderous' pout and subsequent silence brought possibly the first and brightest smile Bastila had felt in a long time.

"Damnit T3," Kar growled angrily, "Stop trying to interface with the Hyperdrive while we're in Hyperspace. You're going to make the damn thing explode."

T3 beeped cooly, but with a devious edge. Kar rolled his eyes and kicked the droid away from the engine room. He walked around the halls and saw Carth and Mission chatting with each other in the main room, looking both excited and depressed at the same exact time. Such a feat could only be accomplished by those two he swore, and as far as he was concerned Carth was corrupting a young woman.

Not that he particularly cared, as was his forte, and he strode through the main room primarily ignoring them. They didn't seem to notice him, lost in their thoughts and stories.

"I remember seeing the face of my dead wife," Carth said numbly, "Half her face had been burned away by the laser blasts and both her legs were broken. She had been in the house, and she had only made it to the living room before the roof collapsed from the pressure. A big chunk of stone slammed into her head and knocked her unconscious. Then a laser bombardment tore our city apart and I was to late to save her. By the time I found her she was a wrecked corpse underneath the rubble, clothes torn off and body mutilated. Everything around me was on fire and the Republic was scrambling to put out the fires and bring order to those who had managed to survive but I was in my own world. Nothing else existed but her dead body and the hope that maybe I could bring her back."

"Well Carth your intense bitching won't bring her back that's for sure," Kar smacked the soldier out of his reverie, "I really think you're tempting Mission to depression."

Carth didn't even react to the abrupt disruption and stared blankly at the wall, "You're mocking me now, but I bet my wife is laughing at you from hell."

Kar blinked, "I'm just gonna go now."

Mission's mouth twisted into a small frown, "I wonder if Griff is dead."

"What is this Alcoholic's Anonymous?" Kar grumbled.

T3 rolled by and beeped derisively.

"That comparison did too make sense T3!"

Bastila suddenly walked out of the cockpit, eyes fuming as Canderous trailed after her, eyes focused down for a reason that was plainly obvious. The Jedi turned around and pronged her fingers into the Mandalorian's eyes, making him welp in pain, "We're going to be at Dantooine in five minutes, I hope all of you idiots behave yourselves. We're going to be near some of the most powerful Jedi in the Order, so all of you better keep your emotions and," She threw a glare at Canderous, "Wants to yourself."

"No promises," Kar grumbled, "Let's just make me a Jedi and advance the plot forward so we can get to the interesting parts."

Bastila turned on her heel and stalked back into the cockpit, "You idiots better not embarrass me."

"Jinx!"

Walking out of the ship, Kar was immediately met with a soft sun glare laying down blankets of heat down onto his head. A cool breeze counteracted the heat, which brought the Soldier's body to a calm equilibrium. In other words the weather was perfect in almost every way. The dock itself was a large square courtyard, where Jedi milled about dressed in a variety of different, bright colors. In between the Jedi, regular vendors and settlers scurried from alcove to alcove built into the walls of the Enclave, which Kar realized to be stores.

His crew practically ran over each other to get out of the ship and feel the relief of fresh air and warm weather. Canderous high tailed it to the weapons shop and Mission and Zaalbar went out to explore while T3 stayed on the ship to do Force knows what, which left Carth, Kar and Bastila by themselves.

"I'm to take you to the council," Bastila spoke professionally, eyeing her fellow Jedi with suspicion, "I will show you to the council chambers."

Kar groaned in relief, "Can I finally become a Jedi?"

"Well . . . We'll have to talk about it first."

Kar rubbed his temples, "Fuck!"


End file.
